Tag Archives: upstairs neighbors

Usual Rubbish

Backyardvarks.

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Did you bring a blanket? No? Nah, neither did I. Never think of these things when you’re in a hurry. Fortunately, it’s the middle of the summer, and it’s freaking eighty degrees. So … eff the blanket.

Yeah, I’m sure you expected this. We met our ornery neighbors upstairs in virtual battle – a war of words, let’s say – and they prevailed … because they’re just bone mean. So we have been temporarily expelled from our beloved abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill and have taken up provisional residence in the mill’s backyard. Humiliating, yes, but it’s not the worst kind of humiliation we’ve had to endure. Nothing near as bad as what we experienced on Neptune some years back, nor the depredations of Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc., our erstwhile corporate record label. Still … not good.

Hey, we’re pushovers – what can I tell you? When neighbors say jump, we jump. When they say run, we jump, mostly because we’re not real good at running. Our encounter with the obnoxious bunch on the third floor did not come to blows, thankfully, but it was contentious enough to convince us that we should spend a few nights in the courtyard with the mansized tuber. If you’re wondering why we didn’t set Marvin (my personal robot assistant) after them, the answer is simple … he’s just too simple to be effective in a situation like that. Though his claws should be registered with the local police department as near-lethal weapons. When he clacks those suckers together, you could literally laugh yourself to death.

Hey, Tubey ... is there room for a few more in that shed?

This could be worse, of course. We can pitch a tent or two, start a little fire, maybe play the banjo. We can roast marshmallows over the flames and toss them, molten, at our enemies. Our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee can whip up some kind of force field that will keep us safe from predators and bailiffs. (Anti-Lincoln claims he’s being followed by a bail bondsman, but I think he’s forgetting that the 1860s ended more than a century ago.) I’m actually surprised at how easily Mitch is taking this eviction. Typically, he goes ballistic on people long before any dispute ever reaches this level of action. (Not sure, but I suspect he may be taking something to calm his nerves. High strung, these mad scientists.)

For the time being, if you want to reach us, use the comment form on the blog or send your notes to: Big Green, Behind the Potting Shed, Central Courtyard, Abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, Little Falls, NY. (Or just address it Joe / Potting Shed – I’ll get it.)

Usual Rubbish

Fire works.

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Jesus. You can READ by it, for crying out loud. When the hell are they going to run out of bottle rockets? Where the hell are the cops? Oh, right … we’re off the books. Never mind.

Another late night here at the previously abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill in upstate New York, our adopted squathouse of longstanding and that of a pack of crazy people with a fondness for pyrotechnic displays. Our upstairs neighbors appear to be celebrating some obscure personal holiday this week, marking the occasion with obscene displays of fireworks over the mill every night and raucous drinking, dancing, fist-fights, etc., in the afternoons. At least they’re quiet for a few hours in the morning, when they are apparently sleeping off the previous night’s bender, but that’s short-lived.  And here we are again, at 2 in the morning, blinded by the rockets’ red glare, deafened by bombs bursting in air. (And strangely, the flag was still there … their family flag, with some strange runic symbols on it. Very creepy.)

Actually, our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee has a plan to oust the new squatters. He’s starting to get annoyed, and that’s never a good thing with Mitch. We’ve been asking him to formulate something … anything that might, I don’t know, calm them down or something, make them civilized. For weeks, he kept giving us the same old bromide about it being far easier for us as civilized men to behave like savages than it was for them as savages to behave like civilized men.  (Mitch gets philosophical at times, but only to the extent that it may be expressed in terms of Star Trek dialogue.) Then they dropped a cherry bomb into his bedroom, and sophistry was out the window.

Yeah, great, Mitch. Just watch the trophy case.

I think it’s fair to point out at this juncture that Mitch has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. Granted, Marvin (my personal robot assistant) was one of those tricks, and as such, is not terribly impressive by automaton standards. Still, this is a guy who can make whole continents disappear. Not real good at making them come back again, but then half a loaf is better than no bread at all. We are encouraging him not to go too, too far. Most of what he’s suggested thus far is fire-related: atomic flame throwers, combustible gases, etc. He has taken up residence on the second floor, in the room right under their master bedroom, so …. if there are any vacancies at the mill in the next week or so, we’ll let you know.

Usual Rubbish

Latchkey musicians.

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I thought the light was on your side of the stable. Jesus … just reach over and click it on, will you? What? No electricity? I paid the light bill, damn it. Oh … I see. No wiring in the barn. Got it.

Well, friends, you know what they say – if you’re planning on spending years in a squathouse, it’s a good idea to spend the night there before you sign the paperwork. (Yes, even squathouses require paperwork. Look it up.) That’s what we elected to do, since our nasty third-floor neighbors in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill started driving us out of our longtime squat with their loathsome habits and noisy weekending. It’s not easy to contemplate giving up the home you’ve known for nigh onto twenty years. But if nothing else, we of Big Green are practical. That’s why we only tour venues that are deep in interstellar space – it keeps the competition down.

Anyway, we got a tip on an old horse barn a couple of minutes from the hammer mill; apparently no one has used the building for a decade or more. We trooped over there, on foot, and bunked down for the night. Now, when I say “bunked”, I don’t mean to suggest that there were actual bunks in this place. It was kind of like a stationary hay ride … not that I’ve ever been on a hay ride, but I’m guessing it’s a slightly more kinetic version of what we experienced last night. Am I making myself clear?

Is it morning yet? Mother of pearl ...

Then, about 5 a.m., some dude came in and mistook Marvin (my personal robot assistant) for some kind of agricultural implement. I think he was digging post holes or something else kind of farmer-y. That’s when we pulled up stakes.

Okay, so the red barn isn’t going to work out. It was worth a go. We’ll just tough it out on the ground floor and basement of the Cheney Hammer Mill for the time being, checking the classifieds and the local Pennysaver for affordable rentals, then X-ing them out because we can’t afford rent. Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, is working on some kind of force field to throw up between us and our feisty neighbors upstairs. (I told him there’s at least two floors between us and them already, but hey … he needs something to do.)

Usual Rubbish

House hunting.

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No, man – that’s just not acceptable. We have a budget, remember? A very tight budget. We just can’t afford something that ostentatious. Perhaps a step or two down from that, like … like maybe a pole barn. Or a shed.

Oh, hi. Yeah, you’ve caught us in the midst of the sort of dilemma all bands face at some point in their careers – finding another place to live because the squat-house you’ve been occupying for twenty years has been taken over by ne’er-do-wells. Don’t you just HATE when that happens? It’s kind of what we went through back in the late nineties, when we were evicted from our beloved lean-to in Sri Lanka. Oh, the memories. Sad was the day when that thing collapsed. (As a famous cartoonist once put it, it leaned fro. Or perhaps closer to the mark, it leaned-too much.)

So, once again, we are in search of lodgings. Our upstairs neighbors are simply insufferable. And honestly – we’re not super picky people. We didn’t get our hair in knots over the odd explosion here and there, or the noisy parties, or the constant arrivals and departures at all hours. Then there were the inhuman things they did to Marvin (my personal robot assistant), dressing him up like a farm hand and dropping him out in the courtyard with a pitchfork in his claw. But the final straw was the music, oh the music! They have some kind of song service, and they dialed in the eighties this past week. Seriously, eighties pop radio wafting down from the third floor. I feel like I’m back in my Albany apartment circa 1982, listening to my neighbors cranking out Loverboy crap at two in the morning.

Nah. Waaay too tony for us.

Have we confronted them? Of course. And as you know, I have extensive training in conflict de-escalation, so I was among the first to ascend the stairs to the third floor and politely request a conference with the new occupants. A little later on, as the urgent care nurse was wrapping gauze around my battered forehead, it occurred to me that our approach to this problem may be a little off.  Maybe we’ve been here too long, I thought, rubbing my chin and wincing in pain. Hence the house-hunting project.

We’ve gone through the local squathouse listings, worked our way through mills and barns, and now we’re down to shacks, sheds, huts, and … well … brickyards. Yeah, I know – pretty meager, but ANYTHING’s better than listening to “Turn Me Loose” one more freaking time.