Tag Archives: This Is Big Green

Usual Rubbish

Advance!

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You did what to the whom? When was that again? Christ on a bike – I thought you agreed to stop running these freaking rogue operations out of the basement. What’s that? You ran it out of the attic? That’s not the point!

You did what, now?Ah, hello. Just caught me in the midst of yet another dressing down of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) who, apparently, has some kind of crackpot entrepreneurial streak wired into him. (I need to talk to his inventor, the mad scientist Mitch Macaphee, about this.) Every time I turn around … and I mean every time, like, if I were to turn around right now it would happen … he’s got some new racket going. It’s like living with an audio-animatronic P.T. Barnum. Only with slightly less calliope music.

What’s the latest? Well, Marvin has been taking advance orders on our upcoming album, Cowboy Scat: Songs in the Key of Rick, a collection of Norwegian carpenter songs … I mean, songs from a now-lost rock opera about the trials and tribulations of our cousin Rick Perry, Governor of Texas … an album which is now in post production and almost ready to rumble. (I understand the musical itself was lost over the side of a pleasure craft on Lake Tahoe … rumor has it, anyway.) Even before we’ve pressed the first MP3 in that painstaking way we do (note: we use a panini press to squeeze all the goodness into every compressed file), Marvin has rifled money out of our market with the promise of delivery later this year.

I see a couple of problems here. First, Marvin has only been taking orders from extraterrestrials. That raises some ethical questions, of course, but also pragmatic ones. For instance, how do we deliver on orders from Aldebaran Seven, placed by etheric entities only Marvin can see with his advanced optical scanners? Even more importantly, how do we bank “money” that is in the form of microwave transmissions from a distant galaxy. I think those are generally considered non negotiable currency here in the U.S. of A. Not on Aldebaran Seven, however.

Bottom line: We’re going to have a legion of hopping-mad Aldeberans after our sorry asses when we fail to fulfill these orders. Bloody robot! Second time this month!

Usual Rubbish

Scatology.

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That’s right, it’s “crab nebula”. What does it mean? How the hell should I know? What am I, some kind of astronomer or something?

Jesus Christ on a bike (which he may well could have been, had he lived in modern times), your brother goes and writes a song lyric and the next thing you know people expect you to tell them what the Sam Hill it means. If I knew that, then I would know what the hell Matt is talking about half the time when he talks … and I clearly don’t, even though he is my own flesh and blood. He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. It’s his songs that are heavy. Mucho heavy, baby.

What song am I being asked about? Well, it’s one of the tracks on our forthcoming album … I mean, collection, entitled Cowboy Scat: Songs in the Key of Rick. (Rumor has it the songs are part of the soundtrack of a musical about our cousin Rick Perry, but that the musical itself was lost over the side of a pleasure craft on Lake Tahoe.) The song in question is called “Evening Crab Nebula”, and it takes the form of three pieces of sage advice to Cousin Rick from one of his political consultants; one pep talk regarding his primary opponents; one cautionary trope about unseating a president; and this observation about the dangers of being too devout in your beliefs:

If you’re gonna’ follow that evening star
better be sure how wise you are
If you’re gonna’ follow that evening star
better not follow it all too far
or you’ll be choked and froze in the vacuum of space
Can’t treat the Crab Nebula
like it’s there to direct yuh
by pointing out some pertinent
biblical place

Now is that so hard to decipher? Well, of course it is. All political advice is that way, right? That’s why those consultants get the big bucks. (Where have I heard that lyric before? Hmmmm….)

Usual Rubbish

Enter the pod.

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The thing is, you have to take a crowbar to the lid, like this. Unggh. Unggggh. Arrrgh! Okay, that’s harder than it looks.

Visual Approximation of Podcast
Visual Approximation of Podcast

Oh, hi, stalwart friends of Big Green. It is I, Joe of Big Green. Just caught me in the process of trying to get the lid off of the latest episode of THIS IS BIG GREEN, our very popular (in the plant kingdom) monthly podcast, just posted over the last couple of days and ready for download. We want to give people an idea of what they can expect when they download this sucker – all 1 hour and 45 minutes of it, or thereabouts. Wouldn’t want you having to cope with a pig in a poke, especially a porker of those dimensions. You have a right to know what’s in that great big bag of stupid… and know you shall.

Here’s what’s included in March Fiendraiser 2013 (our bogus fundraising episode), to wit:

Ned Trek VIII: The Corn of Ozark Five – Captain Willard Mittillius Romney and First Officer Mr. Ned (the talking dressage horse) are invited down to a little get-together with Louie Gomert, governor of Ozark Five … only to find their commander thrown into a titanic battle, mano-a-mano, with a hideous creature from beyond space already. Introduced by former Secretary of State and War Criminal at Large, Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Put The Phone Down – Our monthly gab session covering a range of topics, from birthday wishes to the entire universe, this month in dead famous people, strange reappearances, and so on. We also shake the tin cup for financial support. Or at least moral support. (We have even less morals than we do financials.)

Previously Unreleased Big Green tracks – We toss up three recordings like skeet and invite you to blow them to bits with your pump rifle of music criticism (talk about tortured metaphors!). Two demos from our 2008 International House album project; one that didn’t make it onto the final album, a song called Round Up; the second a demo version of Matt’s song Come Back Home. There is also a new, first-draft recording of a song we used to play in our terrestrial live performance days – a song called The Milkman Lives.

So listen in good health, friends. As always, let us know what you think … even before you think it.

 

Podcast, Uncategorized

This Is Big Green: March Fiendraiser 2013

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Big Green shakes the tree of perpetual folly with three previously unreleased tracks, a new episode of Ned Trek, and shameless kvetching. Give generously.

Features:

1) Ned Trek VIII: The Corn of Ozark Five;
2) Put the phone down: Matt and Joe shake the tin cup for freedom;
3) Happy birthday, universe;
4) Departures and arrivals: Chavez, Achebe, Pearle, and others;
5) Song: Quality Lincoln (lame live version), by Big Green;
6) Song: Come Back Home (demo version), by Big Green;
7) More bogus fundraising;
8) Song: Round Up (demo version), by Big Green;
9) Conversations at the seed store;
10) Song: The Milkman Lives, by Big Green;
11) Over and …over

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Usual Rubbish

Enterprise, come in.

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What next, man?What is this again? Beeswax. Do you have to keep it in my bedroom? We’ve got an entire abandoned 19th century mill here – there’s plenty of space in the forge room. Marvin??

Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there on the other side of that iPhone screen. Thanks for dropping by Big Green’s near totally useless blog, now more than ten years in the making! (Slogan: Blogging pointlessly since 1999.) You caught me in the middle of a small dispute with the help. No, we are not effete artists with domestics swarming all over the place, attending to our every whim. Certainly not! Our domestic workforce consists of a handful of surly operators, including:

  • Marvin (my personal robot assistant) – Created by a mad scientist and one-time scrap metal dealer, Marvin helps around the mill with lifting fairly heavy things, moving those things from one place to another, and …. and lifting other fairly heavy things.
  • Mansized tuber – Talk about growing your own! Matt harvested this oversized sentient sweet potato back in the old days, when we were in the witness protection program and pretended to be living in Sri Lanka. Anyhow, the mansized tuber isn’t really much of a help at all, but he does give me something to blog about once in a while, and that amounts to a particular kind of heavy lifting.
  • Lincoln – Storied 16th president of the United States, saved the Union, ended organized chattel slavery, and became the greatest president Hollywood has ever seen. Rescued from the awful past via Trevor James Constable’s Orgone Generating Machine, which created a time portal through which Lincoln and his evil doppelganger passed and …. well …. search the blog for details; it’s complicated. Anyhow, he helps around the house with light cleaning, some cooking, occasional legal counsel. Probably the best natured of the bunch.
  • Anti-Lincoln – Surly opposite doppelganger of the above. (See above for creation myth or just follow the tag anti-Lincoln.) He burns things when it gets cold outside. Sometimes he’ll throw something edible into the fire.

That’s the list of what might be termed domestics. Everyone else around here is an associate, or hanger-on, or I don’t know what. It’s a squat house, for crying out loud. And now Marvin has gotten it into his head to sell lip balm or something. He managed to trade some bricks from one of the outbuildings in exchange for a couple of barrels of beeswax. Entrepreneurs! They’ll be the death of all of us!

Sorry. He gets a little over enthusiastic sometimes, that’s all.

Usual Rubbish

This just in.

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Getting some feedback on our recent episode of THIS IS BIG GREEN, the monthly podcast we wrap together with gaffer tape and bailing wire (whatever the hell THAT is), stuffing it full of discarded hammer components left lying around from a previous era here at the Cheney Hammer Mill. It’s a smart podcast … about as smart as a box full of hammer heads. Yep, yep … we’ve got at least one brain between us. And then there’s Marvin (my personal robot assistant). He has an ELECTRONIC brain.

Okay, where was I? Ah, yes. Feedback. What has it been like? Kind of a whistling, whining sound that drops in and out. I think I left the speakers on while we were recording. Annoying, but tolerable. I suppose you were thinking by feedback I meant audience reactions to the podcast. Oh, no … that’s not what I had in mind at all. I couldn’t possibly post those comments here. The FCC would jump all over my shit. (And likely they’ll complain about that last sentence, as well.)

What can be said, right? Some may have taken offense at the latest episode of Ned Trek, featuring Willard Mitt Romney and his talking dressage horse Mr. Ned. Others may have objected to the blank verse I quoted from the poet Google YouTube (the automated video transcription bard), to wit:

uh,
about that system work so if you can see the slow-speed and very moment
antiquated castle green too
this is reviewing
uh… or it’s it’s mean-spirited
means german personal assistant
stats apparently to
little it’s little bit please
know the other night
the other side of the form of walnut

Not half bad … not that I’m an expert at this sort of thing. Maybe we’ve just reached an age when verse is not all that dissimilar from randomly generated word combinations. Auto poetry … what a concept!

So anyway … we may start writing some songs this way. Start with raw lyrics, read them into a video camera, post the video to YouTube and generate the transcript. Then re-record it as a song. It would sound! (Ask your father where that comes from.) The pop music equivalent of re-fried beans or twice baked potatoes.

Keep those cards and letters coming!

Usual Rubbish

Casting bread upon the whatever.

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Hey howdee, everybody! It’s your old friend Joe of Big Green. Yeee-haw, have we got an amazing blog post for you this week. Shit boy howdy. (Did I say “howdy” yet?)

"Cousin" Rick
"Cousin" Rick

My apologies. I’m just practicing up for the promotional tour we’ll be embarking upon to plug our new album, Cowboy Scat: Songs in the Key of Rick, a collection of songs written by, for, of, and around our dear cousin, Rick Perry, governor of Texas, author of all we hold dear, inventor of the syrup gin, holder of the three-cards (in 3-card Monte … don’t know where I’m going with that). Rumor has it that the album is a recreated soundtrack from a musical that was lost over the side of a pleasure craft on Lake Tahoe in 1978. Someone apparently went back in time for that particular Nevada vacation. Rumor has it, anyway.

Okay, so … we’re practicing, to be sure. What else? Well, we posted the February episode of our ludicrous podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN, just this past week. What kind of trouble did we get ourselves into? That’s a tall order, my friend. Just download the sucker and find out. It’s about 100 minutes of pure audio ecstasy, prepared for pod by yours truly and my somewhat more complicated brother, Matt Perry esq. Here are some highlights:

Ned Trek VII: The Last Moon of Frutoonius – the latest episode in the continuing saga of Willard Mitt Romney, commander of the starship Free Enterprise, and his talking dressage horse / first officer, Mr. Ned. This month, Willard, Ned, and Doc Coburn lock horns with rogue operator Newt Gingrich and his strange, other-worldly (or other-moonly) alien fifth wife.

Songs – We spin “Asteroid” from our album, International House, in celebration of our recent near-miss (or in the words of the immortal George Carlin, “near-hit”) by a large asteroid. We also play a lost demo from that same project, a song called “Say You Will” that never made it on to the finished album. Lastly, we play “Beautiful Grid”, a recording from about 1991 or so produced by Bob Acquaviva of Mere Mortals fame, featuring Tony (Ace) Butera on guitar – this is off our “President’s Brain is Missing” EP.

….and several butchers aprons. Got to get back to it. Time’s a-wasting. Enjoy!

Usual Rubbish

Robo-pontiff?

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Don’t mind me, or the deafening clatter you hear. That’s just the sound of me working on our next episode of THIS IS BIG GREEN, the podcast we hammer together every month or so. Why hammer it, you say? W.t.f. – we live in a hammer mill, for Pete’s sake. (Jesus, I’ve been doing that lame Romney imitation way too long.)

Our next pope?
Our next pope?

I suppose if you listen regularly to our podcast, it probably seems like not a lot of work goes into creating it – that it’s sort of slapped together randomly, like a salami sandwich made by someone who’s got a five minute lunch break. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yea, we take pains in building each episode, agonizing over every detail, every nuance. We spend weeks drafting the scripts. (Oh yes, even our random-sounding conversations are completely scripted.) Then it’s another week nailing down the timing, the miscues, the poor pronunciation, the stupidity. (We spend an entire day on inanity. Why? Because it’s worth it.)

Now, as you know, Big Green is a decidedly low-tech operation. We don’t have fancy cameras, microphones, or any of that new-fangled electricity. (Okay, well … yeah, that we have.) Our studio is primitive beyond redemption, and we are forced to record the spoken bits of the podcast without the aid of standard teleprompters. The best we can do is key the entire script into Marvin (my personal robot assistant), store it in his electronic brain, and ask him to display it on his anterior video monitor. Sure, we have to squint to read it, but it’s better than rattling a piece of paper in front of live mics.

The trouble with this method is that there are unintended consequences. Like this month, we talked about the Pope retiring. Once the lines from that script got into Marvin’s tiny brain, it started percolating through his various logic circuits, and the next thing we knew he was trying pointy hats on for size. He seems to have convinced himself that he’s in the running to replace Pope Benedict. (I think the idea appeals to his creator, Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, who would very much like to be the power behind the pontiff.)

Would you like to see Marvin as the next pope? Let us know. Send us your thoughts and we’ll read them on the next episode.

Usual Rubbish

Stuff and … things.

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Lots to say, nothing to think. Not usually a great combination … but it’s a positive boon when it comes to podcasting.

Enemy ears are listening
Hey... who knew?

So, how are you then? Well, I trust. Hope the foot trouble is better. That’s right, friends, we’re turning over a new leaf here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill. From now on, Big Green is going to be all about people. Good old retail public relations. Connecting with the folks – that’s us, Jack. (See? We even call you by your first name, providing your first name is “Jack”.) I’ve found that holing ourselves up in our basement studio mixing songs and swearing at each other is no way to run a rodeo, let alone a pop music combo. Neither is failing to settle our account with the local feed store, or dropping a box of tacks in the middle of main street. Verily I say unto you – none of these things redounds to the benefit of our public image.

Anywho, we’re tuning over a new leaf … a Big, Green leaf. We’re extending the hand of friendship to all and sundry. (Whoops … I’m sorry, that’s Awl and Sundree, the law firm that’s handling our squatter’s rights claim, pro bono, of course.) Part of that whole thing I’m yakking about is our podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN, now in it’s second big year. Every month, a fresh new assault on the ears and sensibilities. That’s how we connect with John Q. Public and Nancy K. Everybody, not to mention Rover T. Dog and Sprinkles A. Cat. Nobody is left out, nobody!

Fact is, that’s kind of a problem, too, I’m told. Why is that? Well, I’m gonna tell you. Our anti-terrorism adviser and former lean-to neighbor Gung-Ho has warned that not only “friendlies” are listening to our podcast each month. No, it’s not just mom and pop and the kids, and maybe grandpa out there in the kitchen, brewing the crystal meth. Because of our connected world, Gung-Ho tells us, America’s enemies may be listening as well. They may be writing down everything we say and using it as a weapon against us. Chilling thoughts indeed.

As we record this month’s podcast this week, we will remain vigilant, per Gung-Ho’s timely admonition. I should hate to think that we might inadvertently lend assistance to the “Axis of Evil.”

Usual Rubbish

Cheer up.

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Get out of my room, Marvin (my personal robot assistant). You too, tubey. I’m having one of my captain sunshine days, as you can tell. In fact, I’m rear-admiral motherfucking sunshine today, mister.

This means war
In a bit of a mood today.

Oh, fuck…. I mean, fudge. Didn’t know you were listening in. Sorry you had to hear that outburst. Nerves are getting a little frayed around the hammer mill just lately. What the hell, I’ve been sleeping in an abandoned hammer-stock storage silo for the last 10 years, springs poking out of my mattress like in those old cartoons, the windows leaky and cracked, the mortar crumbling to dust between ancient bricks. Not to put too fine a point on it – this place is a DUMP. Now I know why they abandoned the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill.

What’s that? They condemned the place? What the hell, Marvin … you had that in your memory banks all this time? Weren’t you just dying to tell me at some point before this? Irrelevant?!? I’ve obviously got to talk to your inventor about upgrading your relevance sensor. To say nothing of your gaydar. The freaking boy scouts should hire your ass. (Damn, there I go again! Sorry, people of Earth.)

I’ve got a case of what’s called Dyspepsia Engineeris, an affliction that usually strikes individuals in the middle of a large music post-production process. Mixing an album consumes every ounce of your creativity, and hell … I’ve only got two ounces to begin with. Needless to say, we haven’t been producing new material, just finishing what’s already in the can. We have, however, dug up some old, previously unreleased stuff that we can play on our podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN, in the spaces where we might ordinarily have published new production. We’ll pour some of that in before it posts, I promise you. And one day, one day, we will return to making music (as opposed to merely mixing it).

Well … now that I’ve chased all of my friends away, I guess I can get back to … to … mixing. Arrgh.