Rain, snow, freeze, thaw … this freaking winter is a climatic yo-yo, full stop. The walls of the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill are buckling under the strain of expanding and contracting water. Fun fact: water gets fatter when it freezes. Maybe it needs to add a few extra layers to keep warm – I don’t know. What the hell am I, a hydrologist? (The only genuine hydrologist I ever knew talked like Elmer Fudd. Think about THAT for a minute.)

Okay, so I’m wrapped in some old burlap, sitting in a distressed easy (or not-so-easy) chair, trying to weather the … well … weather against which the crumbling masonry of the mill offers little resistance. Sounds like a good time to give you folks a rundown on our recently-posted February installment of THIS IS BIG GREEN, our podcast. Imagine me opening the front cover of a well-worn volume, illuminated by the warm glow of a nearby fireplace … ahem …

Ned Trek 27 – Who Mourns for Science? – Goodness me, is it 27 episodes already? (Matt will remind me at this point that the first few were test shots; blanks, essentially.) This installment is based on the classic Star Trek 2nd season episode, Who Mourns for Adonis? Instead of the Greek god Apollo, however, the Free Enterprise crew are taken captive by a reanimated Carl Sagan, who compels them to sit through general science lectures. Chaos ensues, as it always does. (Sometimes it sues, too … chaos is very litigious.) Special guest appearance by the ghost of Strom Thurmond, who talks a distressed Doc Coburn into remaining on the show for the sake of all of those crackers out there (an ironic twist on Dr. King’s reported efforts to encourage Nichelle Nichols to continue in her role as Lt. Uhura). Episode is introduced by Clinton adviser Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Put The Phone Down – Matt and I start out with a song about a leprechaun, then go south from there, believe it or not. We talk about Scalia, song poem anthologies, and Matt’s experiences in the field.

Song: Kublai Khan – A Matt number from back in the day, re-recorded a couple of years ago. I leave it to him to explain the lyric, though if you listen carefully you will notice some allusions to the creation myth of Reverend Moon.

Song: Quality Lincoln – Our Lincoln suite, this version of which was recorded specifically for the podcast back in 2011. Still half-baked, but a fair representation of this collaborative effort between my brother and me.

Song: All I Want (live version) – This is another Matt/Joe collaboration from decades ago. This version was rendered in impromptu fashion as we recorded our “Put The Phone Down” conversation. The song loosely follows the ego-tale of Sylvester Stallone in Rambo, his insane shoot-up-Vietnam movie – here’s a sample lyric:

With three arrows strapped to my back,
I’ll defeat their combined armed forces
And with those same three arrows I’ll save those guys
And bring them back in movies
Then I’ll make those commies sift through their bones
And send back all the white ones
All I want is what they want
I want everyone to love me

Anyway, that’s February. Now let’s learn about wunoff. I mean, runoff.