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Usual Rubbish

Seasoning.

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Season’s greetings to you all. And we of Big Green say hello as well, whatever the so-called “season” may have to say. (Who ever heard of a talking season?)

Just writing whilest we’re having a little Thanksgiving layover on Titan, moon of Saturn, mother of all Tofurky. (Yes, this is where it comes from.) Taking a little break from the feasting, conversing, and pontificating (Anti-Lincoln is back on his Mexican-American War soapbox again), so this is a good time to open the mail, it seems. Most of our inquiries appear to be about our podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN, so let’s start with this:

Dear Big Green:

On your podcast, I heard you read a bogus letter asking why so many of your songs are about war. You, of course, never answered the question to anyone’s satisfaction. I now challenge you to do this thing. What is with the war kick?

Sincerely,

Gen. Douglas MacArthur (deceased)

Well, General – thanks for listening to our podcast, first of all. Why do we write about war? I don’t know. Why do we write about Christmas? Sure, we’re not soldiers, but then we’re not practicing Christians, so neither makes sense. I guess you could say we’re just ranging around for material, grabbing anything that doesn’t run away screaming. (And some things that do.) Sometimes we ask Marvin (my personal robot assistant) to name themes for us using his autonomic radomizer. We’re that desperate, dude.

Here’s another:

Dear Big Green:

I’ve listened to your previously unreleased songs. They sound, well, half-baked. Is that intentional, or are you just too damn lazy to finish them?

Best,

Phil Specter (deceased)

Hey, Phil – it’s a fair question. Yeah, the previously unreleased songs on the podcast are, in fact, literally half-baked. They are first drafts, if you will (or even if you won’t), of recordings for our next collection of material. We’re planning to track the better ones and release them under separate cover. These initial recordings are basically Matt and I playing the songs like we do as a two-man band, with a basic rhythm track, guitar, keys, vocals. That’s it. No wall of sound yet. We’re working on the sheet rock right now, man. Patience!

Whoa, is that the time? Back to the Tofurky fest for me. Cheers.

Usual Rubbish

Open season.

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Whoa, was that a week from hell or wasn’t it?  Spring is here, after all, and the planet’s wrecked. Time to cultivate another one. Any preferences? Neptune, perhaps? Or…. maybe we can just open the mail bag.

Here’s one from a local:

Dear Big Green,

I think I saw one of your number tagged in a photo on Facebook, dressed up in a ludicrous leprechaun get-up. What’s up with that? Are you going to start playing traditional Irish music now? Should I look for you on Thistle and Shamrock any time soon?

Best,

Rich Taggert
Toad in the Hole, NY

Well, Rich…. that does seem to be my name, so perhaps it’s me. I may be a secret leprechaun, or perhaps I fell asleep at a St. Patrick’s Day bash and simply don’t remember what happened next. (Distinct possibility.) Then again, Marvin (my personal robot assistant) may have put me in the ludicrous outfit while I was sleeping and then invited local children in to have their photo taken with the funny, funny elf. I’m guessing here.

The closest we’ve come to Irish music is a Christmas number Matt wrote some years back called “McBridy”, which later segues into a country song called “Evening Crab Nebula”. Written around the times of the troubles in Northern Ireland – now thankfully past – the McBridy lyric went something like this:

Well, hiddly- hi, in the Christian World, it’s eye for eye
And hiddly-hi, we’ll get another try
It’s the same dear thing McBridy sang
before he caught up with the plan
that threw him on his back one Christmas ‘morn

McBridy, McBridy! You lived in a wholly Christian world
But still you blow your brother away
McBridy, McBridy! You lived in a holy Christian world
But died another link in the chain.

And no, not Thistle and Shamrock… but possibly Pagan FM, if you listen regularly.

Next missive…

Dear Big Green,

I don’t exist, and you can’t make me.

Yours truly,
Chester Ether

Thanks for writing, Chester. A lot of our listeners are in much the same condition. It’s a sign of these difficult times, as I’m sure you – a non-existent person – can truly appreciate.

Now back to work, damn it.

Usual Rubbish

Special delivery.

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What time is it? Okay, now… what day is it? Is that so? Right, then… seems like a good time to open the mail. Oh, yes – we get it. Don’t think it’s like writing to Santa. Just scrawl “Big Green” on the outside of any envelope, drop it in a box, and it will find its way to us… as if by magic. That’s right, I said MAGIC.

Right. So, let’s see… what do we have in the old mail bag? Ah… here’s something…

My name is Barrister Zul Rafique an attorney by profession, in my quest to find a reliable trustee to manage the assets/estate of my late client valued at only $3.5,000.00 (Three Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) This is the reason why you are receiving this email from me. I shall be willing to supply you with more detailed information concerning this business project upon hearing back from you.

I am left with no other choice, but to carry out a discreet search for a reputable person outside the shores of my country and consequently seek your stewardship. If you wish to render your selfless service, but very rewarding, do provide me with the following information via my private mail box

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Thank you, all inconvenience is regretted.
– Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq.
Principal Partner Jeffrey Lee & Partners

Well, thanks for writing, Joe Lee Esq.  I will be more than glad to provide said private information. In fact, I have entrusted it to my good friend, Big Zamboola, who will carry it straight over to you…. just as soon as he disengages himself from synchronous orbit over Aldebaran 7. (He is strangely attracted to that hideous little globe.) Give him a few thousand years or so. Orbits have decayed more slowly than that, to be sure.

Here’s another one:

Dear Big Green,

I am a freelance tree psychoanalyst. I keep seeing this tree in your blog images that appears either depressed or otherwise ill at ease. May I have your permission to counsel the tree?

All I need is the following items:

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Please remit same at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Franklin Pierce Nonentity

Hiya, Franklin. I’m thinking you should just get the info from Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq. You’ll find his contact info above.