The gravity’s not too strong, not too weak. The water is not too wet, not too dry. The inhabitants are not too short, not too tall…. MAN this place is ANNOYING!
Yes, this is Big Green, reporting live from the Goldilocks Planet, recently discovered orbiting the star Gliese 581 – technical name is Gliese 581g, actually, one of six sibling planets (Did Goldilocks have siblings? Don’t know. What an exasperatingly ill-defined folk tale!) After its recent discovery, we decided to make it a stop on our ENTER THE MIND: THE ULTIMATE BIG GREEN EXPERIENCE interstellar tour, but now I’m beginning to have some regrets. It’s just to damned perfect down here. It’s a planet of anal retentive mo-fo’s (though they’re not too obsessive about it … which if anything is even more exasperating).
Take our itinerary (please!). We showed up to the first gig about fifteen minutes late. You’d think we’d shot somebody. The Glieseans were running about with five of their six appendages in the air (actually, hopping about, come to think of it), gesticulating and vocalizing some kind of hypnotic alarm call that sent Marvin (my personal robot assistant) into the automatonic equivalent of a trance. Since he’s been elected to lead the schlep squad at our various gigs (a punishment if ever there was one), that meant his leadership skills (such as they are) were temporarily suspended. That made us even MORE late. And the Glieseans started hopping about again.
It gets worse. When they get really, really frustrated (which took us about half an hour to accomplish), they retreat to their beds and pull the covers up over their oddly-misshapen heads. (Strange thing is, they all seem to have three beds, even the ones who live alone…. and they always sleep in the smallest ones.) I’ll tell you, it’s a good goddamn thing we brought our own craft services with us (the mansized tuber is our chef this time out), ’cause all these fuckers eat is porridge. Peas porridge. And they don’t care if it’s hot or cold. (Sometimes they leave the stuff sitting around for days on end… deeeeee-sgusting).
Okay, well… have to get back to it. Supposed to play tonight, and I’m hoping to get some shut-eye before the bears come home. (What bears? Don’t ask.)