No, Mitch… I’ve never been to Rome. Yes, I’ve seen pictures of the Coliseum, but I’m not sure where you’re going with this. It’s a nice thing in its place, but…

Oh, hi. Just having a word with Big Green’s mad science advisor, Mitch Macaphee, professor of interstellar astro-geology ….and explosives, apparently. (He’s got tenure at the school of hard knocks.) It’s endearing to see a proud father try to help his son. In saying so, I don’t mean to suggest that what Mitch is engaged in right now in any way resembles that wholesome impulse. No, no… that would require some modicum of sanity. I’m afraid Mitch is both attempting to help his creation, Marvin (my personal robot assistant), and blow his ass to kingdom come. Unintentionally, perhaps, but nevertheless… this is what he is attempting.

Let me ‘splain you. (Damn… I’m starting to talk like Tom Coburn at a confirmation hearing!) Marvin got himself a little gig as a bomb-sniffing robot over at the local Homeland Security training center, where people in space suits pretend to decontaminate children’s birthday parties populated by life-size plastic kids and a genuine layer cake. How’s he doing? Good as can be expected for a novice. You know how it is – you get your claws singed once or twice and, hey – you know better, right? That’s been Marvin’s experience. Never an overachiever, you know. I like to encourage him, particularly when it means he’ll be bringing home a few bucks for the housekeeping. (See, he also does the housekeeping. We’ve convinced him he should pay us for that. Long story.)

Anyway, Mitch thinks Marvin should be moving a bit faster in his training. So he’s begun to devise little problems for him to solve right here at home. One such problem – an explosive device of frightening magnitude – was planted in a broom closet just downstairs from my bedroom. Marvin defused it, fortunately… though I think it was a lucky break, frankly. (He stepped on it while sweeping out the hall and apparently pulled the ignition wire loose.) Next it was dynamite in the oven – enough to blow a massive hole in the side of our beloved abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill. This is what prompted Mitch’s reverie about the Coliseum. (He thinks we could turn the mill into a tourist destination if it looked more like ruins.)

Not sure how this is going to come out, but you’re likely to hear. Just listen for a distant boom. That’s us!