It’s going to take how long? Are you serious? What the hell, Urich – can’t this tub move any faster than that? We’re only talking about 17 light years.
Oh, man… if only there were a “first class” in intergalactic space! Everything… and I mean everything is coach. Urich, our somewhat fanatical pilot (I think he may be the only surviving German kamikaze, but that’s just a guess), tells me that we’ve got quite a ways yet to go bobbing along here in the trackless void. We’re all resorting to the stuff we do when there’s nothing to do. Matt catalogues his bird species. John flies virtual airplanes across the Pacific. Marvin (my personal robot assistant) plays with his diode collection (the Frenchman thing wore off after a few days, thank goddess). The Lincolns argue about the war with Mexico. I could go on, but … you get the idea. And what do I do? Well, not much… I strum my broken down Hagstrom III guitar and reach into the mailbag for whatever might be interesting.
Let’s see what we got here… This one’s from some guy who calls himself “Muchuu”, over in jolly old England, who was commenting on our new single, High Horse:
Not my cup of Texan tea
Lyrics – Blimey! Not a fan. Is this in the wrong category?
Arrangement – simple and effective. But predicatble, no?
Sounds like – not sure. Rather not know :-)…No, don’t know really. Some parts Ween I guess…
Not a fan, unfortunately. Sorry!
Gotcha, “Muchuu”. Yep, “simple and effective” is what we were going for there. Though I wouldn’t go filling your cup with “Texan Tea” – we put that stuff in our tractor engines (yee-haw). Hopefully we can count you amongst our fans one day (you could be the second!), but until then, Muchuu-s gracias, senor!
Here’s one from some dude named “Benadian”… same topic…
It’s fun. Who do you sound like? Any kind of country music I suppose, I’m not as well-versed in that field. Now that the synth solo has come in, and considering your genre, I would say you sound like Ween’s 12 Golden Country Greats album. But that was way more original! This just sounds like any old band that decided to make a joke country song.Lyrics… just sound like any old country lyrics. I dunno what else to say. Good you proved you can do it though!
Well, what the hell, man… that’s the second Ween reference I’ve heard in, I don’t know, five minutes? But I guess you’re right, “Benadian” … we sure proved we can write a goofy country song. Never thought I’d see the day!
Okay, time to do something else. What’s the man-sized tuber been up to during this long, boring voyage? Well, he’s been trying his hand at video editing. In fact, he put together a little video for High Horse and posted it on YouTube… which you can view at the Tuber’s YouTube page – www.youtube.com/mansizedtuber – or on the high horse page: www.big-green.net/highhorse . Check it out … then send us some mail. As you can see, we’ve got a lot of time on our hands!
Oh, the trials and tribulations of interstellar tours! And who knows them better than Big Green, right? We know them all, like the backs of our hands. (Hmmmm…. never noticed that mole before. Better get that looked at. And when did I bark that knuckle?) We’ve grappled with irate, drunken crowds, ill-tempered club owners with six (or even seven) heads, venues that had no air or gravity (had to write those into our contracts – live and learn!), Frankenstein-like bouncers, galaxy collisions in the middle of the second set – we’ve been there, damnit. And if you include sFshzenKlyrn‘s experiences, we’re talking about every bad gig back to the big bang (which, I believe, was the name of the Rolling Stones’ 1971 tour, wasn’t it?) or even further. The big crunch, even. One of those. Anyway… what was I saying?
show they call terusdanorf girundolph huzzah, it was a bit embarrassing to say the least. You see, they are more into our darker numbers. I think that’s because their companion star is so dim. (27 hours of night to every five hours of daylight. W.T.F., right?) So they reacted pretty well to stuff like 
personal robot assistant) upside the head as he attempted to scope out the problem with the mics. Apparently the radioactive properties in the finkonium interacted with those inside Marvin’s brass cranium in such a way as to turn him temporarily into a Frenchman. It’s kind of like foreign accent syndrome – you know, when you get into a fender bender and suddenly you’re talking like Victor Borge. That’s what happened with Marvin, except it’s the full monty – Francophone speech, stereotypical getup… you can even hear faint accordion music in the background when he enters a room. Most peculiar.
So, yes… a bit the worse for wear, our second-hand Soyuz spacecraft (personally checked for soundness by Yuri Gugarin himself) did actually carry us through the burning sun without major incident. The man-sized tuber had to turn up the humidity in his special space terrarium, but that’s no biggy. We have asked our pilot, Urich Von Braun (son of a rocket scientist, I’m told) to take us home via Proxima Centauri, where we may just stand to make a few extra bucks playing on their equivalent of Austin City Limits (which they call “terusdanorf girundolph huzzah” … not real catchy) before slinking home to the Cheney Hammer Mill and whatever housekeeping nightmare awaits us there. Hey – we couldn’t afford domestic help, okay? And that place sure as hell won’t clean itself. (Not yet, anyway. Mitch is working on a device right now…)
Dylan’s “Maggie’s Farm”… his high, reedy voice seeming a bit thin even to posi-Lincoln (who himself has a high, reedy voice) and his recollection of the lyrics a bit less than perfect. (Since when does Maggie’s brother “hand you a pickle”?) Still, way out here, you have to take what entertainment you can get, no matter how bad it sucks. What the hell – it beats zero-gravity rehearsal, right? (Just try to hang on to those drumsticks, boy. Just try.)
with Earth-bound politics. Hell, they would never have even heard of Dubya if we hadn’t brought him out there back in 2000 as part of our glorious first-ever interstellar tour. Contextualizing “High Horse” would require our filling them in on everything that’s happened over the last eight years, and that might take… well… eight years. The show’s only 45 minutes long, for chrissake. Let’s face it – they just won’t get the irony. And they don’t take well to country music out here, even if it’s gag-country. We’ll need another opener. (I was talking to Marvin just then – he’s trying to open a can of soup with a letter-opener. But yes, we’ll need to open with some other song.)
Hi, folks. Just celebrating the holiday the best way we know how… gasping for breath as our maniac pilot drives our sub-standard spacecraft through the center of a blue-hot star. Sure, I know what you’re thinking – that’s not the kind of Christmas I remember, right? Not the kind you used to know back home in Sheboygan. Well, I’m with you on that, as it happens. I just mean that we’re celebrating as best we can under the circumstances… specifically, those of flying headlong through a burning sun. We try to think of it as a slightly hotter version of “‘over the river and through the woods” … though Marvin (my personal robot assistant) is quick to remind me that that is, in fact, a Thanksgiving song, and Thanksgiving was a month ago. Right again, Marvin. Where would we be without you?
thing is, when we of Big Green elected to go on a brief tour in support of our new album, 
Yikes… didn’t know anyone was listening, there. Just rehearsing my lines for the upcoming Lost In Space favorite episodes playoff. Haven’t heard of it? Not surprised. Oh… did you think I was talking about our own interstellar travels just then? Heh heh heh…. No, no. Not a bit of it. The flaring star we’re headed straight towards is not the Earth’s sun. It’s another star, far hotter than our own… a blue dwarf, as it were. And it won’t reduce our hull to butter. Oh, no… just vaporize it entirely, along with everything inside. So there’s a difference between television melodrama and the real thing, my friends, and don’t you forget it. Hollywood is the land of butter hulls. In real life, the term of art is “vaporization”. Write it down, underline it. Now, what was I going to say? Ah, yes. ARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!! 
clownish little globe in the first place. (Still can’t get that freaking ceremonial hat off my head. I’ve put a call in to our agent to complain.) So… he spotted what looked like a little blue marble in the firmament… a deadly blue marble, as it turns out. Hot as blue blazes. Before we could say “Urich, Nooooooooooooooo….!” he pointed that nosecone towards the blue dot and stepped on the “gas”. And hence… trouble.
he doesn’t hear my words. Not a syllable. This Tagget guy keeps giving him reinforcement, though. He sent him a holiday message on Friday:
Please click here to view a special mes-sage for On Time Van Trans In. 
Trouble with being on the road is you never know what town you’re waking up in. Or what planet. That’s bad enough when you have a set itinerary, but with Big Green… mother of pearl! Even when you’ve got your wits about you, it’s hard to figure out where the hell you’re playing. Like this little planetoid Urich our pilot drove us into. It’s not on any astronomical charts. It’s as yet undiscovered and unacknowledged by the scientific community. So, when we walk out on stage to do a few numbers, what the hell do we shout out to the crowd of hideously misshapen extraterrestrial concert-goers? “Helllooooooooo……. whatever!” Got any suggestions? Let us know, damn it. It’s disorienting, and I’m about as disorientated as anyone needs to be. (Except maybe the man-sized tuber… only he’s got a terrarium.)
just culture shock, I guess. There are more practical concerns. For instance, transportation is a serious issue. About the only way you can get anywhere on this planet is either by cramming into a tiny vehicle with about 20 Neutonians in full traditional garb, or getting on a tiny one-wheeled conveyance and riding to your destination across a stretched cable. (They throw a spotlight on you while you’re doing it. It’s very unnerving.) And since when are there elephants on other planets? I’ve always thought of them as the quintessential Earth animal, but I guess I’m wrong. (Here they do tricks. Curious thing.)
down on his polished brass head. We finally convinced him to join us on stage, though he would only agree if we gave him a barrel to stand on and a small theatrical umbrella to hold absurdly over his head. (Only tubey seemed to enjoy the spotlight.) Later that evening, we were invited to the local magistrate’s home for what was ostensibly a “meet and greet” event, during which an appalling assortment of Neutonians came up to us in their absurdly oversized footwear and performed their traditional greeting ritual, which involves shoving a sacred custard pie in each of our faces, then baptizing us with purified holy water sprayed out of a decorative lapel flower. This gets a little old… especially when the magistrate invites his entire extended family.
Forgive me, friends. My brain is addled. I’ve asked Marvin (my personal robot assistant) to correct my copy from here on in. It’s been a long week on the road, let me tell you. Typically I make it to the end with all of my faculties intact, but this was the week we ended up on the mysterious (and as yet undiscovered) planet Neuton. It’s a clever little globe, friends. Knows better than most how to conceal its identity. Hides behind red giants and blue dwarfs – quite ecumenical in that regard. We were diverted there by an unexpected event… a bout of binge drinking on the part of our new pilot Urich Von Braun, who took up with that party animal (in a manner of speaking) sFshzenKlyrn to slog their way through a quart and a half of Zenite lager. Not sure if you’ve ever had any of that particular micro-brew – all I can tell you is that, if you have had it, you may not remember.
started flailing his arms, let out a loud moan, and to our dismay, directed the nosecone of our second-hand Soyuz spacecraft at what he thought was a small companion star of Betelgeuse, hoping to pierce it. (It was a dagger, he claimed drunkenly, pointed at the heart of the fatherland. Who were we to argue otherwise?) Before any of us were half-aware of the danger we were in, old Urich had driven us clear around the perimeter of that obese, red star and brought us down into what we now know is the mysterious undiscovered planet Neuton. (No, it’s not where they make the fig bars. That’s clear over to the other side of galaxy. Entirely different globe, my friend.) The landing was hard but survivable. Mitch lost a tooth, but it was one he had just invented last Thursday, so he wasn’t too broken up about it.
forbidding world. The man-sized tuber was the first out the hatch. Yea, it was cold and dank out there. (More dank, really. Good hefty sweatshirt was enough to beat the cold. But that dankness… man!) We followed the tuber onto the surface and surveyed the area – a desolate boulder field, devoid of life, dimly illuminated by a mellow sun. Then on the not-so-distant horizon we spotted the silhouettes of some kind of sentient life forms. They had sensed our presence, apparently, and began moving closer. As they approached, we could begin to make out their hideously misshapen forms. Ghastly! Nauseating! But, I wondered…. do they listen to pop music? And use currency?
Green here, on the as-yet undiscovered companion (or “planet”) circling the star Sirius, once again preparing for lift-off after a relatively successful string of gigs. What do I mean by “relatively successful”? Well, that’s a somewhat qualified term, I will admit. Let me put a finer point on it. In the Big Green performance book, “success” is defined in degrees of survivability. “Relatively successful” means that few of the bottles tossed at us from the first five rows actually connected with their targets. Fortunately, with someone like sFshzenKlyrn in the group, there’s a significantly lower likelihood of being hit by missiles of any kind, since our Zenite friend is himself a celestial object of indeterminate volume and mass, surrounded by complex magnetic fields that act like an invisible shield, like a protective blister of some kind. Beer bottles just bounce off that sucker, and sometimes vaporize like pyrotechnics. It actually adds interest to the show. (Though I think sFshzenKlyrn is going a bit too far by encouraging people to chuck shit up on stage. Not cool, sFshzenKlyrn… not cool.) 
about 27 light-years worth of extra travel. (Our budget is totally blown – don’t tell our label, for chrissake.) Much as we encouraged him to use the navigational console, Urich prefers flying by the seat of his pants, as it were – a dubious approach to interstellar travel, in my humble opinion. There were a couple of occasions when Marvin (my personal robot assistant) attempted to draw Urich’s attention to one relevant read-out or another, but he was consistently rebuffed. It could be Urich has a problem with mechanical beings… or it could be he can’t see anything through those thick goggles. One way or the other, he’s clearly a pilot who takes no direction from anyone, not even his employers. (You’d think that would lend us some influence, at least. We’re not real good at this “boss” business.)
tour, trust me – Mitch can really bury his nose in a project. Crikey, he spent the better part of a decade developing the technology that brought us Marvin, and Marvin’s I.Q. is more or less on par with that of the man-sized tuber. (You’ve heard of artificial intelligence? Marvin is artificial stupidity. Nearly as complex, but not quite.) So even with all of his quirks, Urich was a good hire.
probably a mistake leaving your forwarding address. We were only going to be gone a month or two, damnit. Ah, well.
space ship. For another thing, with Mitch in the driver’s seat, it’s positively hazardous. (Mitch has gotten kind of erratic as a driver. I think it’s the medications he’s taking. More on that later.) I don’t want you to think that we’re not taking this seriously – god, no! In fact, we have been offered a substitute pilot for the next leg of our 
problem here with the navigation. Nothing new. We were making the passage from Aldebaran to Orion and Mitch is getting a little confused on which star is which. I keep telling him, you need to follow the arrow back from Mintaka, not forward to Sirius! (I’m like, be serious, and he’s like, Sirius? Are you saying I’m a star? And I’m like…) So, of course, we overshoot Orion’s belt by about a light-year, so we have to double back. Then Mitch gets Betelgeuse confused with Rigel, like he’s looking at the whole freaking constellation upside-down. (Actually, the map was upside-down, so it wasn’t entirely his fault.) And we’re hunting in vain for the third companion (Rigel III) when, of course, there weren’t any orbiting Betelgeuse. (I told him the freaking star was too red, but did he believe me? Huh?)
in its creation. (Woof… what a sentence!) It seems Marvin fancies himself a jazz whistler now, on the order of Maine’s legendary Brad Terry, be-bop whistler and clarinetist (not in that order)… except that Marvin’s whistle sounds more like quitting time at the paper mill. (As I heard Taj Mahal say once in response to audience participation, “Strong… but wrong.”)
Lord, no… we slammed that crowd with rousing versions of cuts from the new album, as well as old favorites from