All posts by Joe

Nation of the dead.

The Israelis have struck Gaza hard over the past two weeks, killing well over 100 Palestinians (including a substantial number of children), and – predictably – Palestinian militants have struck back, shooting up a seminary in Jerusalem, killing 8. Is anyone surprised by this? Olmert’s policy of “isolating Hamas” (i.e. strangling Gaza to death) has elicited the kind of violent response that Israeli politicians pray for – the kind they can use to justify the very policy that provoked the response in the first place. And as the situation goes septic, what is more appropriate than having Condi Rice stroll through the wreckage of yet another Bush policy? As in the case of the Lebanon war two years ago, this consummate diplomat has refrained from calling for a ceasefire, uttering the usual platitudes about Israel’s right to self-defense and the importance of sparing civilian lives, when possible. Yes, we’ve been here before, and we’ve yet to see a military attack that the Bush administration wouldn’t at least tacitly endorse.

It’s clear who the enemy is… same as it has always been: negotiations. And no, I don’t mean the farce brokered by the U.S. between Olmert’s people and Abbas’s people (essentially two wings of the same organization). I mean actual, good faith negotiations with the people within the Palestinian community who actually resist Israel and its 40-year occupation. The 2006 parliamentary elections that put Hamas in power presented a danger to the Israeli administration… the danger of Hamas’s growing political legitimacy. Unlike the P.L.O., Hamas did not depend on Israel’s remittances for its very survival, and with the Palestinian Authority more closely identified with the interests of the occupier that with those of the occupied, it’s little wonder Hamas won a majority. The Palestinian people are not religious fanatics – they’d merely suffered through the previous six years of Fatah’s serving as the Israelis’ colonial administrators, and so they opted for the organized group that had not been co-opted. Two choices, one lamer than the other, so you pick the less lame one. Sound familiar?

I’ve covered this ground before, I know, but I think it’s worth saying again. Amongst any people denied nationhood, denied basic freedoms, denied livelihood and frequently even life itself by a hostile occupying power, there will always be individuals and groups who will resort to heinous acts such as took place at that Jerusalem seminary. The more pressure is put on that oppressed population, the more a sense of hopelessness is engendered in them, the more likely it is that those incidents will take place. Consider the Israeli government’s consistent line on this. There have been no similar attacks within Israel in what, four years? Olmert and company mostly attribute this to their loathsome apartheid barrier, but it’s clear that no matter how massive a wall you build, you cannot stop a truly determined person. Their considered reaction is to accuse the Palestinian Authority – their Palestinians – of not doing enough to fight extremists. If there are no attacks, as during the past few years, it’s not because of the Palestinians, it’s because of the wall. This is a game the Palestinians know they can never win.

It is another one of those atrocity-producing situations. And the best Bush can manage is a lame soft shoe.

luv u,

jp

Write the colonel.

Hey… did you hear that? Those footsteps outside… the creak of a rusty metal door… the grating sound of a mailbox flag being lifted tentatively upright. That can only mean one thing – mail’s in!

What’s that you say, Marvin (my personal robot assistant)? No mail? *sigh* No one writes the colonel. Oh, well…. Marvin, check the Web mail. There are always good tidings in there…

Ah, now that’s better. Let’s just open the old digital mail bag and see what we’ve got here. Hmmmmm…. this looks like a good one. From a fellow named “Jordon Lex”…

Paris Hilton presentation! This photo is stunning! Only 1 day trial – get this Stunning presentation now!

Jordon Lex, Pornville, Texas

Well, thanks for writing, “Lex”. And thanks for the generous offer. Of course, I’m a little slow at answering my Web mail, so the 1-day trial is most certainly past. Very regrettable. Still, we’ll keep the Hilton in mind next time we’re in Paris. Though I should tell you, it’s a little rich for our blood. Truth be told, we live in an abandoned hammer mill and probably couldn’t afford a broom closet in the Paris Hilton. But thanks for thinking of us!

Here’s another one:

Dear Big Green…

Something’s wrong with your new record. I can’t hear the fucker. I mean, it doesn’t sound like anything. I hit the side of my CD player with a hammer, and that didn’t help at all. What’s up with this shit?

– Dirk Mahardy, Cleveland

Thanks for your message, Dirk. I’ve looked into this technical issue and I think I know what the problem is. You see, we haven’t released our new record yet, so what you’re attempting to listen to is a figment of your imagination. Now, our contract with Loathsome Prick Records indemnifies us against all liabilities associated with “figmental imaginagraphic mis-associations” or “flap-doodle” as it’s known in layman’s terms. (Are you a layman, Dirk? If so, use the latter term.)

Last but not least, a little missive from this alert listener in Madison, Wisconsin:

To whom it may concern,

This is the third time I have received a bill from Bogart’s Grocery for goods that I have never purchased. I’m not sure how I can prove a negative, but I have never been in your store, nor do I intend on ever going there in the future. Stop sending this bill or I will call the police.

– Margaret G. Spilling, Madison, WI

Ho, boy! We’re sure sorry for the inconvenience, Margaret! Sure wish we could do something about your little problem. Again, I am forced to refer you to our record contract, which clearly states that we cannot, as an organization, be held responsible for the deeds or misdeeds of organizations that have the same initials as “Big Green.” Much as we would like to give you satisfaction, I’m afraid all we can offer is a free mp3 download of your choice at http://www.big-green.net/mp3.htm. Best of luck!

Got a question that needs an answer? Drop us a line or leave a comment. Always good to hear from you. (Okay, Marvin… shut that pain-in-the-ass Web mail down… now!)

Not mattering.

Heard a story on public radio this week (here it is) about some Iraqi nationals – educated people – who had worked for the U.S. military and U.S. contractors in Iraq. The ones the reporter spoke to were among the very few who have managed to immigrate to America. Now they are out of work, out of money, and essentially unemployable except at the very bottom of the service economy. One man, speaking of his experience back in Iraq, told of how an American officer once told him that “working for the American government is a future”. Now this unfortunate fellow is contemplating taking another job in Iraq – no small consideration, since doing so could easily cost him his life. Here all he can find is janitorial work at McDonald’s-level wages, though he is a trained engineer. His expectation had been that in return for having served this country, he would be taken care of. All the government seems willing to do for these people is bring them here, get them hooked up with some goofy job counseling agency called “Upwardly Global”, and fuck up their paperwork so that it’s even harder to get a job. Welcome to America.

Can’t blame these folks for being fooled. Our own people lap up the same lies about how we came to Iraq to help the Iraqi people. There are lessons in this for all of us, I suppose. The first is that Iraqis – in fact, any subject peoples within the American empire – do not matter beyond their relative utility at a given moment. Think about it. Our government did not arm and support Saddam Hussein during the Iran-Iraq war because they wanted all of those Iraqis to die on the battlefield; they didn’t pursue deadly sanctions for a dozen years for the express purpose of killing half a million children; they didn’t prosecute their unprovoked 2003 invasion to generate a million fatalities and 4 million refugees. No, our government did all of those things because they were a means to an end. The Iraqis simply served the imperial strategy by dying, starving, etc., and that is all. And when Bush’s bogus rationale for invading Iraq (WMDs and Al Qaeda) fell apart like the house of cards that it obviously was, Iraqis served their strategy again by being the oppressed people to whom we would confer the blessings of liberty. Useful, but not important – a status doubly underlined by the fact that our government refuses to realistically estimate the number of people who have died as a result of their war of choice.

Iraqi expatriates like the ones NPR spoke to have learned this the hard way – by risking their lives to serve the U.S., only to be dropped like an apple core when their utility expires. (Our own G.I.s get similar treatment, but that’s another column.) Fact is, this is a world run by pirates, and America is Long John Silver. Ours is a fully bipartisan pirate ship, it bears remembering. Aside from style, there is little that separates the foreign policy establishment in the Republican and Democratic parties. The G.O.P. is mostly a scurvy crew of unabashed cutthroat privateers, ready to burn and plunder at will. The Democrats, well… they put a nice tie on it, dress it up a little bit, tone down the rhetoric, but it’s essentially the same set of rules: We own the world, and what we say goes. The first half of that is obvious from our behavior, the second and explicit declaration by Bush the First (a.k.a. “Pappy”).

Now, if that isn’t a pirate’s creed, I don’t know what is. ARRRrrrrrrrrrr…..

luv u,

jp

Landlord blues.

What’s the matter with me? I thought I put that thing away about an hour ago. My mind is becoming unhinged. (Did it have a hinge to begin with? And if so, what was it hinge-ing upon?)

Weighty questions indeed. That’s what you get here at the hammer mill… the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, that is… where you can find the answer to any question but one – how the hell can we stand living here? Now, don’t get me wrong. It isn’t because the place isn’t well appointed (in fact, you might even say that it’s dis-appointed) – this is part of its rustic charm. As someone who has spent much of his life in the lap (or some other anatomical area) of luxury, living in a squat house can be a refreshing change. (Especially on days when you’ve got running water.) No, no… I’m referring to the recent change in ownership, to wit, the unfortunate turn of events that resulted in our corporate label, Loathsome Prick Records, acquiring the title to this old wreck. And before I go on, let me just ‘splain you about something – they don’t see this as an investment property, okay? They see this as leverage.

Leverage towards what? Good question. Seems like ever since the man-sized tuber was a baby carrot, these fuckers have been pushing us to release some product for them to push. Now, if you know Big Green at all, you know our credo… the quality goes in before the music goes out, or something like that. Sure, we’ve been working for years on this project, but damnit, we haven’t gotten to that quality part yet. Damned frustrating thing. We tried to insert the quality right off the bat, but it was just too big. Then Mitch Macaphee came up with a formula that would convert quality into a semi-viscous fluid, which we could then pour into our recordings. But that just managed to gum up the works, and we lost precious time… six months, I believe. (Just try to get semi-viscous fluid out of reel-to-reel tape spools. If you’ve ever seen The Reluctant Astronaut with Don Knotts, you know what I’m talking about.)

Who’s to blame? I think you know the answer to that question. (Oh, yes you do… don’t try to hide in the back, there – I see you!!) It is most assuredly Marvin (my personal robot assistant) who is responsible for the monumental cock-up that has befallen us of late. Now, I know what you’re going to say…. the same thing posi-Lincoln (the good one) has been saying all week: Marvin can’t help himself; Marvin has lost his tiny little nut; Marvin is addlebrained and cracked in the crown. Poor little Marvin, right? Well, goddamn it…. I’m sick and tired of this robot-coddling. If he’s got the poor judgment to go bonkers all over the place, the least he can do is avoid any kind of real estate transactions. I mean, it’s not like he’s a professional realtor or anything. Think of the issues they have to contend with! And I’m supposed to feel sorry for him? It’s unsupportable, damnit, unsupportable!

Phew. Well, I’ve gotten a little overheated here, my friends. And I apologize. I should let Matt take over the keyboard for a couple of weeks. Or maybe Big Zamboola. (Nah… he types with his ass.)

Off target.

The U.S. military shot down one of its own spy satellites this week. The satellite (like our military policy itself) was dysfunctional and the Pentagon’s originally-stated reason for the shoot-down was the fear that its fuel supply would survive re-entry, land in a populated area, and possibly expose people to lethal chemicals. Once the deed was done, however, that rationale started breaking down, at least judging by what I heard of the coverage (from NPR’s Pentagon reporters, who are pretty close to being official spokespersons). The next day the military was suggesting, though its press surrogates, that the fuel wasn’t all that dangerous and that, in any case, chances of its falling near civilization were around 3 out of 100. (Good thing, too, since as of Thursday morning they couldn’t be certain they had destroyed the fuel tank.) Of greater concern to them at that juncture was the possibility that components of the satellite’s surveillance technology would fall into the “wrong hands”, such as those of the Russians and the Chinese. (You heard right – the Russians and the Chinese. Apparently it’s 1960 again.)

Okay, so… Russia and China are our adversaries again. Good to know. And it appears that this is where the Pentagon sees a significant threat of war, at least according to what their officials were feeding NPR the other day. Per that report, they are worried about the integrity of our satellites and how vulnerable they are to attack. I will admit to being somewhat taken aback when one “senior official” the NPR reporter had dinner with is reported to have asked rhetorically, “How do we care for our satellites? How do we protect them?” W.T.F. – if war breaks out with the Russians or the Chinese, the last thing I’m thinking about is their fucking satellites. Here we’re threatened with nuclear obliteration, and these guys are obsessing over whether Russia can take down our Blackberries and ATM machines! Glad they’ve got their priorities straight. (Being burned to a cinder is bad enough, but what if I don’t get that important e-mail on my PDA???)

Anyway… no reason to be surprised that they’re more concerned with caring for their satellites than for the human race. By Friday of this past week, the newspapers were running stories about how this shoot-down was a crucial test of our “missile defense” capability. Missile defense is, as you likely know, that amazing system we’ve been spending tens of billions of dollars developing and deploying that, while not so good at shooting down incoming missiles, provides excellent protection for favored military contractors like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon. The satellite story morphed into basically a P.R. bonanza for Raytheon, inventor of the famously ineffective Patriot missile (much touted during the Gulf war as a tremendous success, the Patriot was later shown to have failed consistently and even to have erroneously targeted one of our own planes). Assuming the Pentagon is telling us the truth when they say the missile struck its target (i.e. assuming a lot), the system may be marginally useful if our adversaries start lobbing broken-down spy satellites at us with more than a week’s notice.

Lawd-o-mighty. How will we care for our poor ATM satellites then?

luv u,

jp

Stir it up.

Hmmmm. Play that one back again. Yep, yep. Yep. Uh…. nope. Can’t hear it. Try it again. Try tweaking up the fenstenmacher towards the end, there. Okay, okay…

Oh, hi. (No, not Ojai, California. “Oh…. hi….”) Forgive me for not responding to your presence sooner. I was deep in post-production land, here in the bowels of the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill wherein we have made our home (albeit somewhat tentatively). Yes, we are putting those last few finishing touches on Big Green’s long-awaited sophomore album – truly a labor of love, my friends. (Yes, love… and great hatred. We’ve been toiling on this sucker for almost five years, and I for one can hardly wait to set it loose into the wild.) A subtle and arcane process it is, for sure. What… you’ve never looked in on a Big Green post production session? My god, man… look in, then, look in. Let me be your guide, your interpreter, your local connection, your book-keeper, your rent-a-juggler, your basketball inflator, your….

Okay, I’ve wandered a bit. Sorry. Grueling work, this post production business, especially when you have to do it in a drafty old mill like this, flanked by a needy man-sized tuber, a couple of cranky Lincolns, a wayward planetoid without a solar system, and a lunatic robot. Yes, Marvin (my personal robot assistant) still has his issues, but we’ve pretty much decided to give him his space. (No more banjos in the blender, though. It makes the smoothies taste weird.) After all, this old barn of a place is plenty big enough for a person (or a robot) to go as mad as he/she likes, just so long as he/she doesn’t hurt anybody, or him/herself. Got that, kids? And remember – be free. Okay, everybody got a paddle ball? Good. Start paddling on three… one … two … THREE! Good, Jimmy! That’s the ticket. VERY good!

Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah. There’s another distraction, kind of related to the Marvin crazy-man thing. As you may remember from a couple of weeks ago (go back and check, I don’t know for sure), Marvin took it into his little tin head to sign over our squatting rights (such as they are) to the kind and generous folks at our current corporate label, Loathsome Prick Records. As Matt was quick to point out (with a flaming poker, no less), this transaction may tend to give our paymasters a little more leverage over us than some might consider either fair or appropriate. Not that they would necessarily press their advantage, but… necessity has very little to do with it. And just yesterday, in the middle of a mastering session, the playback was drowned out by the sound of a band saw. No, it wasn’t a last-minute avant garde solo thrown into the middle of Do It (Every Time). It was a bunch of workmen hired by Loathsome Prick to rip a new entrance in the courtyard wall. Which just happens to be one of the walls enclosing our makeshift studio. Which just happens to be where I’m standing right now.

So, I don’t know…. what would YOU do if your record label sawed a great big hole in YOUR mastering session? Would you stomp around and curse their bones? Would you pick up a paddle ball? Drop us a line and let us know. (And if any of you know what a Fenstenmacher is, add that to your little message.)

Barack and the preacher.

When has there been a weirder election, I ask you? It’s like upside-down land, or that planet on the far side of the sun that is an exact mirror image of the Earth, except that everyone eats corn on the cob up-and-down instead of side-to-side (apologies to Father Sarducci). On one side, a field of mostly white guys has narrowed to a woman and a brother; on the other, a 71-year-old “maverick” is winning out against religious and social conservatives. It took eight years of Dubya/Cheney to make this field look good to two historically cautious institutional parties. The Democrats haven’t even half-seriously advanced an African-American or female candidate for national office since 1984-88 – now it’s as if they figure, what the hell? And not choosing someone broadly approved by the Christian right is a very different kettle of fish for the G.O.P. Amazing. And yet, from a policy standpoint, we’re not looking at any radical departures here. The general election will be a clash of two orthodoxies – a choice between basically what we have now and a slightly more managed version of empire, with the winner building his/her administration from that same pool of a few hundred players they always draw on.

What about Obama? Painfully cautious man. Either that, or he really is a passionate centrist. I’m not sure it matters. To the extent that I want to invest any serious thought into the matter, I do mildly prefer him to the other people running, but it’s a kind of grudging preference. He does get people fired up and motivated to vote, and it would be at least nominally a new administration, if built from remnants of past administrations. Thing is, Obama could use his current standing to advance some badly needed political causes, but he won’t, either because he doesn’t agree with them or he feels they would cost him votes. The trouble with politicians on the center-left is that they’re always trying to take their half out of the middle of the electorate. Likely this is because they get most of their money from industry sources that reside there politically. If money wasn’t driving them, if they truly were a party of the poor and working class, they could win by taking bold positions. There is majority support in the U.S. for trading our current private health insurance casino in for a single-payer coverage system. They only thing lacking is a major party willing to take up that issue and that challenge. Obama, for instance, could but doesn’t. The reason may be money. (Just a guess.)

Then there’s Huckabee, Steven Colbert’s friend and invention (perhaps the candidate’s best attribute, aside from a television-friendly persona). Now he’s probably the friendliest guy who ever threatened to force millions of women to carry their pregnancies to term against their will. But hell, I’m sure if you met enough members of them, you’d find at least one Taliban who seemed likeable. I think the thing that gets me the most about Huck is not so much that he, for instance, doesn’t believe in evolution, but that he tends to adopt hare-brained policy positions like the national sales tax (known by its proponents as the “Fair Tax”). Aside from being massively regressive and favorable to the very wealthy, the “Fair Tax” promoters actually mask its true impact by claiming it’s a 23% tax (!!) when it’s actually more like a 30% tax (!!!!). (They do that by including the tax amount in the total – so for every dollar you spend, you add 30 cents… but that 30 cents is just 23% of the total $1.30 you just spent. Pretty tricky, huh?) But Huck has adopted it, so that must mean God wills it to be. Maybe they should just call it the “Jesus Tax”.

Still burning. Just in case anyone has forgotten, we’re still dropping enormous amounts of ordinance on Iraq – recently 19,000 pounds worth in Arab Jabour, south of the capital. Whoever you support for president, just make sure you hold their feet to the fire on this wretched enterprise.

luv u,

jp

Edit piece.

First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is. Om naman shavaya. Ooooommmm…. OooooHooommmm… ahem! ahem! gack!

Whoops – sorry there, folks. Got a frog in my throat. Just trying to catch up on a little relaxation, eastern-style. Yep – transcendental meditation, as practiced by the now-late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who passed away just this week. Didn’t know we were into this arcane trend of many decades past? Well…. truth is, not. Just thought that, hell, if it worked for The Beatles and other somewhat more popular pop groups, perhaps it might work for us. So I started meditating, thinking if I did it hard enough, it would make us enormously famous and successful retroactively. Then we could retire to our lonely mountaintop redoubts and play the plastic banjo until doomsday. (Which might be right around the corner…. REPENT!!) Anywho… it hasn’t worked so far. Not sure, but I think I may have coughed up my fifth vertebra. (Whatever it was, it sure seemed crunchy…)

Okay, well, there are other reasons for my resort to distinctly metaphysical sources of comfort here in the bowels of the Cheney Hammer Mill. One biggy is the continuing madness of Marvin (my personal robot assistant), who has persisted in the bizarre practices I described in last week’s entry (if you missed it, scroll down and you’ll see why I’m so discomfited). And as if that isn’t bad enough, he’s added a few more strange things to his repertory – stuff like, well, bouncing around on his head while reciting the acknowledgments page in his owner’s manual. Like putting a tambourine in the blender and drawing question marks on the outside with axle grease from the local garage. I could go on, but I’ll spare you. (You might start meditating, as well… and we can’t have that.)

As you may recall, Marvin’s inventor, the unredoubtable Mitch Macaphee, is far to busy doing nothing in Buenos Aires to come out here and straighten his creation out. This is not good. We’re in the closing phase – yes, friends, the closing phase – of production on our new album. Just today, Matt and I were editing a piece of some ambient sound we recorded on Cancri 55 into one of the songs on the new album – a little number called “Volcano Man”. (There’s this strange interlude about halfway through – you’ll hear it.) Yes, we’re sprinting to the finish line like overheated sloths… but this mad Marvin business is seriously getting in our way. No, seriously…. if he doesn’t get a grip, we may have to pull his power supply. Yes. Oh, yes.

Whoa… wait a minute, hold on. Can’t get too worked up, now. Must relax. Ooooommmm. Namaaaaaann. Shhhharayaaaaa. OooooomyGod, he’s doing it again! Put that blender down, Marvin!

The choice.

Choosing who to vote for in the presidential election is always a question of one or the other of two people you’re not so crazy about (or downright detest). That’s probably one reason why so many people don’t bother to vote at all. Myself, I always make it to the booth for major elections – seems only right since so many people died to gain the franchise back in the civil rights struggles of the 1950s-60s. I’m usually not at all happy with the options, as some of you know, and the prospect of a McCain vs. Clinton general election is a depressing one for me. Not that I invest all that much stomach lining into the question of who will occupy the White House. (Far be it from me to suggest that a vote every four years is all you should expect to have to do to make the world a better place.) But honestly, both of these people will make abysmal presidents. And while I would prefer not to lock-in another eight years of Republican party ascendancy, particularly the virulent strain of right-wing conservatism that has taken hold in recent decades, I can see that in a race such as that, we’re fucked one way or the other.

Take Clinton, for instance. Her victory would result in Clinton II – The Vengeance… a kind of Frankenstein’s monster of political regeneration, stitched together from the remains of the last three miserable presidencies. Yes, including the current one. Everything an administration does sets a precedent for its successors. High sounding rhetoric aside, Bush has expanded the power of the presidency to a degree that will redound to the president that follows him, whatever party that person may belong to. I have no doubt that Hillary Clinton will make use of the prerogatives of the unitary executive in a way that will make the previous Clinton incarnation seem tame by comparison. And for those who think peace and plenty are on the way, recall the bombing of Yugoslavia during the Kosovo war. With Kosovo on the brink of declaring independence (Feb. 18), we may be facing the prospect of renewed conflict in the Balkans; something the Clinton team, driven by the same foreign policy players, will be only too eager to engage with. Three wars, anyone?

Speaking of multiple wars, let’s talk about McCain, the presumptive G.O.P. nominee. There are two things I hear about McCain over and over again – one, that he is honest and firm in his beliefs, and two, that he (along with all reactionary Republicans) has great defense / national security credentials. My reaction to the first point if fairly simple – what the hell does it matter that he’s honest and consistent (questionable premise, but nevertheless) when he is dead wrong nearly all of the time, like when he thought the Iraq war was such a great idea (an opinion he still clings to)? We’ve got “strong” and wrong already, and it’s not working so well. On the second point, it beats the hell out of me why he or any of his fellow Iraq war enthusiasts would retain national security credibility when their historic disaster in the middle east has made us all more vulnerable to terrorist attack by any reasonable measure. What the hell does it take to discredit these fuckers, anyway? The man is an ass who flag-waved us into the Iraq catastrophe, costing many thousands of lives and setting us up for decades of negative consequences. He would make a miserable president. (Yeah, but how do I really feel?)

McCain would be Bush III – he’d be calling the tunes, but Dubya’s severed hand would still be playing the piano.

luv u,

jp

[Next week: Obama and Huckabee]

This is home?

No, Mitch. That’s not the point, man. Wait a minute, wait a minute…. I think somebody may be reading what I’m typing into my stupid blog. Hold on… Yeah, I posted it. Sorry, Mitch – I’ll call you back. Bye.

Hi, everybody… it’s your old pal Bozo. Did I say Bozo? I meant Joe. Beg your pardon, I’m all farmisht. Just spent the last half-hour on the phone to Mitch Macaphee, inventor of Marvin (my personal robot assistant), who has taken up residence in a relatively comfy treehouse outside of Buenos Aires for the summer. (Just to be clear, Mitch is in the treehouse, not Marvin. Marvin is the one who fell out of a tree.) I hate to treat so distinguished a mad scientist as some kind of cheap tech support, but damn it, we’re desperate… desperate, I tell you! (Phew!) No, no… not life or death. Marvin’s on the fritz, that’s all, and it’s proving to be a bit of an inconvenience.

It happened just after we crashed back home last week. As you know, Big Green had taken a little trip out to Cancri 55 for a showcase gig that ended up lasting two freaking months. Long story short, we had a bit of a rough landing on our return (right into my m.f. bedroom) and in the process, Marvin seems to have shaken some key piece of electronic brainology loose. What’s the problem? Haven’t a clue. That’s why we dialed up the man who put him together… this in hopes of getting a step-by-step method for setting the tin man straight. Of course, Mitch being the typical mad scientist that he is (he’s living in a fucking tree, for christ’s sake!) has proven incapable of giving a coherent answer one way or the other. Three calls, and the best I could get out of him was a recipe for gazpacho. (Actually, it’s a pretty good recipe. But I digress…)

What is Marvin doing that’s so annoying? Well… first he donned some nautical headgear left behind by that mad man Admiral Gonutz. Then he installed himself on the rusting freight elevator and insisted that everyone call him “Admiral”. Admittedly, that was only mildly annoying. After a couple of days of that, he took it into his robotic skull to start swinging around on the rafters in hammer assembly room five. Now, Marvin was never much of an athlete, so this was actually a bit dangerous, as all 267 pounds of him (yes… he’s made of metal, friends) would come crashing down onto the work floor every ten minutes or so. What the hell – we thought that was pretty bad. But we hadn’t seen anything yet. Nope. Nothing. (Is this thing still on? Oh, right.)

Here’s the capper – one night last week, Marvin broke into my wall safe (unlocked, as it happens), took our squatter’s contract to the Cheney Hammer Mill, and sold it to Loathsome Prick Records, our label. Now they own our sorry asses, lock, stock and barrel. So Mitch… if you’re reading this… love the gazpacho, but… how do you fix this s.o.b.??