All posts by Joe

Presto change-o.

Yeah, I watched it… at least parts of it. Who can resist partaking of at least a slice or two of such rich political theatre? The DNC nominating convention in Denver had some odd moments, to be sure, at least from the television viewer’s perspective. I’m still trying to work our, for instance, why they were playing the ’70s disco number “Rollercoaster of Love” when Dennis Kucinich was walking up to the podium. (Coincidence? I think not!) Dennis gave a volcanic speech that certainly touched on most of the issues I hold dear, and for that I love him. Jimmy Carter got a video but no speech – his reward for being the only sane mainstream voice on Israel/Palestine. Bill Clinton delivered a senior statesman-like address, making many wonder (myself included) where that particular B.C. was during the primary season. (For a while there, he was replaced by a look-alike good ol’ boy. Gratefully, that fucker got put back in the box.)

Obama gave a very Obama-like acceptance speech, a performance of the caliber Democrats have been wishing for from their nominees since Moses was a pup. I mean, this guy tosses inspiring speeches out like it’s nothing – so much so that people, including many in his own party, complain about how good he is. (His wife’s good, too. What are the chances of that?) The complaints are mostly that he’s short on substance, but he’s hawking mostly the same policy positions that Democrats have been promoting for years, under much lamer nominees. Honestly, what have they got to be unhappy about? For me, there are plenty of policy differences that will keep me from being ecstatic, but never to the point where I’d be willing to even contemplate another four years of the G.O.P. in the White House. So guess what? I’m voting for the fucker, and I suggest you do the same. Not suggesting that’s all we need to do, not by a long shot, but that, certainly.

Now, if Obama really wants things to change in this country, there is something he could do about it. If he really thinks this election is, as he says, about all of us and not just him, he could look us in the eyes and say that he needs our vote, but not just that. He could say that he needs us to be there with him when he goes back to Washington. He could tell us that when he pushes for, say, national health care, he needs us to push for it, too…. because if we don’t, it’s never going to happen. Same with ending the occupation of Iraq. Same with closing Gitmo. Same with everything. Yeah, I know how unlikely this is. Politicians don’t like it so much when people get engaged – they don’t tend to encourage movements they can’t control. But those are the only ones that bring about meaningful change.

Sure, we can have empty change, like an anti-choice, mooseburger-eating “hockey mom” as Vice President. But what we really need is action on the same scale as the titanic problems we face.

luv u,

jp

Rising stars.

Who said an elevator has to go up? It could go down, even sideways, if the spirit moves it. Just ask any mad scientist.

Well, friends, in case you’re still curious (and I know you’re not), yes, we are still trying to work out a way to get to Aldebaran without trooping on board the same old leaky spacecraft and taking the same old petrifying risks we always take in the name of science… I mean, music. (Arts and sciences, as it were.) This is proving a major pain in the Aldebaran, quite frankly. Don’t know if I’ve ever seen Mitch Macaphee in a fouler mood. He’s really stuck on this project, and like a temperamental post-impressionist painter, he sometimes suffers through every second of the creative process. Why, he’s out in the courtyard right now with an airgun, popping holes in our wooden outbuilding. And in the man-sized tuber, I suspect, since that’s where he sleeps. (We call it the “Root Cellar.”)

His starting point in this strange endeavor has been that very edgy technology known as the “space elevator”. That’s where they throw a cable up into space, hook it to an asteroid or a passing alien star destroyer, and run a jitney between the ground and the celestial anchor. The principle is a bit like tying a cord to a rock and swinging it around your head. Try it at home, sometime… like right now. Do it for a moment or two. While you’re doing it, you’ll notice a strange phenomenon – some strange energy is smashing all of your glassware to tiny bits. That is the power of centrifugal force… a power so, well, powerful that it bowls your personal robot assistant over when he walks into the room. (Actually, it’s probably better if you don’t try this in the kitchen.)

Right, so anyway… experimentation aside, the whole idea is getting us up into the great beyond without time-consuming repairs and costly rocket fuel (now more than $573.00 a gallon… though if John McCain gets Exxon to drill just under where he’s standing, it will be A LOT CHEAPER!!). My sense is that Mitch Macaphee, inventor of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) and discoverer of the space warp (no, it wasn’t Zephram Cochrane, damn it), is opting for some kind of virtual cable for his space elevator – a laser or particle beam solution that he can just aim in a given direction. That means we need only confine ourselves to destinations that can be reached by following a straight-line trajectory. Piece of cake!

Of course, that’s easy for me to say. I’m not the inventor. I’ve been telling Mitch that Aldebaran is more in a sideways direction than strictly up, but he just gives me funny looks.

The little corporal.

I guess by now everybody knows about how many houses John McCain owns, even if he seems to be a little unclear on the subject. And it’s likely that even I know by now who Obama’s running mate will be (my guess: Pat Paulson). Call me morbid, but my mind is more focused on what appears to be a strong indication of how a President McCain might be expected to rule the American empire. His stance and rhetoric on the Georgian conflict have been jaw-droppingly bellicose – torn as they may be from the playbook of paid Georgian lobbyist (and former Rumsfeld advisor… and former Chalabi promoter) Randy Scheunemann, one of McCain’s chief advisors, they represent a side of the candidate that has been chillingly consistent for as long as he’s been in public office: a knee-jerk preference for military force. As much as he’s milked his own wartime experience and mouthed platitudes about the horrors of war, McCain has been fully on-board with virtually every invasion, attack, bombing run, etc., we’ve undertaken since his return home from Hanoi. He apparently has never met a war he didn’t like.

Now the admiral appears to be drawing a line in the Caucasus, calling this the first serious crisis of the post cold war era. I’m not sure what creeps me out more – the notion that he actually believes that to be true, or the fact that no one seems to recognize that it’s crazy talk. Actually, I think the second part is scarier. We’ve really reached kind of a sad day in America when, in the wake of five years of pointless bloody war in Iraq, we don’t recoil violently from the kind of blather that’s emanating from McCain and his neocon colleagues. Remember that McCain has taken a position distinctly to the right of the Bush administration on this. In light of the fact that we’ve been stoking up Georgia’s military for years, under both Bush and Clinton, and that both Bush and McCain have been pushing to make Georgia part of NATO, it’s a little disconcerting to know that this man who would be president is willing to turn this dispute into a full-blown confrontation between ourselves and Russia, still possessed of thousands of ICBMs (real ones, not the imaginary kind Bush officials keep referring to in places like Iran).

So anyway… let’s see a show of hands. Who wants to die or send their child to die over a dispute between Russia and Georgia about a region that most Americans can’t even pronounce let alone find on a globe? Anyone? Honestly, I have to think the numbers are pretty low. And yet… why do I keep hearing that McCain is more trusted on national security and foreign policy than is his opponent? The man has neocon-fueled Napoleonic delusions about putting Russia in its place. He clings to a war that never should have been fought, and seems more than eager to start yet another. He referred to Iraq as “phase II” of the War on Terror back in 2001, working with the administration to link that country to the anthrax attacks on the basis of no evidence whatsoever. He has been dangerously wrong on pretty much every major foreign policy issue of the last decade. This man is more qualified?

Note to the Obama campaign: take a page out of LBJ’s book. He rightfully painted Goldwater as a dangerous extremist. McCain has done half of that job for you…. take it from there, folks.

luv u,

jp

Word is “move.”

No, I haven’t seen your bass drum case. What do I look like, some kind of servant? By the way, where’s my line mixer? What? No… actually, you don’t look like a servant. Why do you ask?

Oh, sorry, friends. Just trying to get ahead of things here at the Cheney Hammer Mill. We’ve got that Aldebaran gig moving up on us fast – sure, sure, the date hasn’t been set yet, but we’ve still got to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. What the hell, it’s 65 light years away for chrissake, plus or minus. So if our friends over at Loathsome Prick Records call us tomorrow and say the gig is next Thursday, we’re going to need every minute. (Every single minute. No doubles, just singles.) And that’s just the travel time. We’re also going to need to give our mad science adviser, Mitch Macaphee, a brief interval to invent some means of getting us up there.

What about our various space crafts, you ask? The ones that have carried so far and so faithfully over the course of previous tours? Well…. therein lies a tale. I’ll spare you the painful details… suffice to say that they have fallen into a woeful state of disrepair. I wouldn’t drive either of them to our favorite convenience store, let alone out to Aldebaran. (Of course, to be fair, my favorite convenience store is on the planet Zenon, home of our sit-in guitarist, sFshzenKlyrn.) Guess I’ll have to come up with a different spot to buy my “smokes”, eh? (Don’t smoke… just buy ’em. It’s a shopping addiction. Long story.)

What kind of transportation device is Mitch working on? Well, well… You ever heard of anti-gravity panels? You have? Good… because it has nothing to do with those. No, what Mitch is looking at right now is something called the “space elevator”. From what I understand, that’s where you throw some kind of line up into the great beyond, attach it to… I don’t know, an asteroid or something… then slide upstairs in some kind of pressurized cable car conveyance. Anyway, that’s the theory. What Mitch wants to do is to apply laser or particle beam technology to this principle (as others have attempted to do), so that we can eliminate the step of securing the other end of this mythical cable. Because after all – if we can get up there to anchor the thing… why the hell do we need the “thing” in the first place? (Logic…. an irresistible force, to be sure. )

Anyway, that’s where we’re at. And thanks to the efforts of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) and our erstwhile law firm, Lincoln, Anti-Lincoln, Tuber, and Zamboola (still no jingle), we’ve gotten Loathsome Prick’s logo off of our goddamned album, in favor of our own “HammerMade” imprint. Progress, Mr. Greer.

What nations do.

“This isn’t 1968.”

That was Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice just before embarking on her diplomatic mission to Georgia (the Republic of), to carry a cease fire agreement and presumably get a first-hand look at the smoldering ruins of yet another brilliant foreign policy initiative, this time played out in the region of her supposed expertise. If she was at all aware of the irony in her statement, she certainly gave no hint of it. She was, of course, referring to the USSR’s invasion of Czechoslovakia (a country still very much in John McCain’s world atlas) as a means of calling out Russia on its brutal violation of a neighboring nation’s sovereignty. In her eagerness to link present-day Russia with the Soviet invasion of four decades ago, she appears to have forgotten somewhat more recent history… like her own administration’s invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan and subsequent occupation of both countries; like the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and the displacement of millions as a result of said invasion. If her point is, as she put it, that it is no longer acceptable for nations to behave in this way, this new order must be a very recent development. News of it has yet to reach Washington.

Because she is not technically “stupid,” I assume what she’s saying is that nowadays only the United States can act as though we own the world and can invade any country we want without provocation. This comports with the “what we say goes” principle articulated by her husb… I mean, her boss’s father some 17 years ago or so. Of course, there are many ways in which this is quite a bit like 1968. If you cast your mind back to that awful year, you might ask yourself if the Soviets were the only ones rampaging through a sovereign country. The answer would be, well, not as such. Our military was in the fourth year of a far more brutal invasion of Vietnam, reducing that nation and its immediate neighbors to “a land of ruin and wreck”, as Arthur Schlesinger put it, with an expeditionary force of more than half a million and the most devastating campaign of sustained aerial bombing in history. We now appear to be just as stuck in Iraq as we were in Southeast Asia in 1968, for reasons every bit as illegitimate.

It’s not surprising to hear our leaders speaking arrogantly or ignorantly – or with a presumption of ignorance on our parts. Nor is it surprising to hear a hallelujah chorus of pundits, journalists, and pols deploring this notion of invading another country while never once referring to the Iraq exemption. (Aggravating, but not surprising.) What did sort of astound me over the past few days was the impossibly ham-fisted timing of our pact with the Polish government to base “missile defense” (a.k.a. “defense contractor defense”) within their national territory, something the Russians (and many Poles) deplore. I truly believe the administration hopes for war to break out – that seems to work for them. No one could be that incompetent. (Or… could they… ?) I think back to Israel’s attack on Lebanon two years ago, when Condi Rice and company were actually blocking a cease fire. The bombing and abortive invasion were the “birth pangs” of a new Middle East, we were told then. Perhaps Russia will argue with similar conviction that their overreaction in Georgia amounts to the birth pangs of a new Southeastern Europe.

Hey – Russia was invaded twice in the last century, and they’re still a little sensitive to adversarial military alliances on their borders. Maybe we should be trying to ratchet this down a little… before somebody else gets hurt, eh?

luv u,

jp

Just kwazy.

Well, we managed to pull the Bill O’Reilly sound-alike tirade off the audio. But the logo… oh, the logo…

Glad you could make it back. (Back where?) Still hanging in there at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, just me and the fellows. And robots. And root vegetables. And mad scientists. And wayward planets. Shall I go on? Perhaps not. Anyway, when last you checked in, we were hammering out the details of our record release. Not such a difficult task, you may have supposed, inasmuch as we live in a hammer mill. Sadly, this was not the case. Our label’s law firm – Hegemonic Legal Services and Worm Farm, Inc. – is pretty well checked out on entertainment law, being as they are a subsidiary of our old corporate label, Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm (or “Hegephonic” as they came to be known). They know the ropes. And they know how to use them.

What went wrong? Couple of things. First of all, our legal representation was handled by two artificially recovered denizens of the 19th Century, an oversized sweet potato, and a sentient planetoid. Lincoln, Anti-Lincoln, Tuber, and Zamboola (no, I won’t play their stupid jingle!) is really just a gaggle of hangers-on who banded together at the last minute to fill the massive void left in the courtroom by our absence of competent counsel. To give you some idea of what I mean, I’ll reproduce below an excerpt of the transcripts of the proceeding:

Judge: Are there any other points of consideration?

Hegemonic Counsel: Just one, your honor. Exhibit Q.

Judge: Which is…?

Hegemonic Counsel: A signed confession from the respondent.

Anti-Lincoln: Objection!

Judge: What is your objection, counselor?

Anti-Lincoln: Missouri cannot remain half slave, half free!

Zamboola: I second that, your honor.

…And it pretty much went downhill from there. Only positive thing I can say is that, while we may have lost the right to keep Loathsome Prick’s logo off of our new CD, Missouri was a free state when we walked out of that courtroom. ‘Tis an ill wind indeed…

So, on with the program. We may raise the point that some of our testimony was coerced (Hegemonic still does business the old-fashioned way… the “Jakarta” method, you might say…) One way or the other, we’ve got some packing to do. That trip to Aldebaran is getting closer by the day… and I haven’t even ordered the liquid oxygen yet.

Distractions.

Looking for something to take your mind off the media marathon they call the Olympic Games? I know I am. Never been big on sports, frankly – I just can’t get interested enough, particularly in the win/lose part of it all. Anyway, if you’re like me and constitutionally disinclined to sit in front of the television hour after hour watching athletes run, hop, swim, or do something with a ball, join me in thinking about a few other things this weekend and beyond. Stuff like:

The Cheney War PlanSy Hersh said last week that one of his sources related a story to him about some high-level planning meeting regarding how to get up a war with Iran. According to this source, Cheney was fond of a scheme to assemble a small fleet of bogus Iranian PT boats, man them with disguised Navy Seals, and have them fire on U.S. vessels in the Straits of Hormuz, thereby provoking a kind of Gulf of Tonkin incident (except even more contrived than the original). This brought two things to mind. First was the administration’s empty rhetoric about “supporting the troops.” Second, that close encounter some months back between Iranian PT’s and a Navy ship, wherein a mysterious radio voice (not from the Iranians) called in a cartoon-like threat, apparently with the intent of provoking a confrontation.

Cheney’s fratricidal plan was shot down, according to Hersh’s source. Was the mystery taunt Plan B?

Candid Camera. Video cameras are playing an increasingly important role in activism and the protection of human rights around the world. I’m thinking not only of the footage of a NYC police officer “checking” a rider in the critical mass ride last week, but of the very productive deployment of cameras by B’Tselem in the form of the “Shooting Back” project in the occupied territories. Not only do these efforts document abuses beyond the power of official denial, but the mere presence of cameras (and outside observers) can serve to shield the vulnerable from harm. In a place like the West Bank, the more Web videos the better. Same goes for Iraq. Great work, B’Tselem!

Shocked, Shocked. The Bush administration tried to coax an exiled Iraqi security chief into claiming Saddam helped train the 9/11 hijackers? They also tried, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that Iraq was behind the anthrax attacks of late 2001? The sun rose yesterday? All part of a pattern.

That’s what’s on my mind, folks. And yours?

luv u,

jp

Concessions.

Where do we sign again? Here? Right…. Now, we’re done. We’re not done? Freaking hell! You’ve already got our signatures sixty-seven times. Just copy the fuckers.

Everything by the book, that’s how these legal types are. Anyway… greetings and welcome to Big Green-land. We’re finalizing the terms of our forthcoming CD release (actually, it’s our second-coming release… we’ve got two more to go before we get to our fourth) entitled International House, and it’s important to get all the details straight. Except when it comes to really shmeensy details of the sort lawyers love to dive into. (They’re like hippos who joined a flee circus and are trying to dive into the little swimming pool.) Appendix this and codicil that; refer to paragraph 97, section vii; subsection 7a; insofar as the party of the second part shall render unto the party of the first part said sums as designated in paragraph 43…. Damn! I’ll tell you, it’s all we musicians can do to keep up with the obsessions of the corporate paymasters who rule our asses. (Power to the people! Strike! Strike! Strike!)

Whoops… slipped into a Marxian trance for a moment. (Workers control the means of production…. ahem!) Okay, now I don’t think I’m a particularly unreasonable person. Certainly Marvin (my personal robot assistant) doesn’t think so, either. And I know that brother Matt is far less unreasonable than I am. John? He’s a saint among men. And yet we all seem to recognize that our label, Loathsome Prick Records, is being more than a little true to their name when it comes to getting credit on the album. They’re insisting on prominent acknowledgment, even though this is essentially a self-paid manufacturing job. (We’re mortgaging the most valuable thing we have…. Trevor James Constable’s patented orgone generating machine. Don’t tell Trevor James!) Now how asinine is that? And I’m not talking about a subtle plug – they want an entire panel of the CD cover…and an audio plug at the opening of the album! Here’s the copy they’ve proposed:

Big Green’s “International House” is brought to you by Loathsome Prick Records, the awesomest label in the world. Without us, these losers would suck in obscurity. Take it away! Fucking thing sucks!

I don’t know about you, but that strikes me as mildly insulting. And they want it read by some guy they know who sounds like Bill O’Reilly freaking out on Inside Edition. (It may even be O’Reilly, I don’t know…. they’ve got some connections.) Now, this wouldn’t be a problem… if we had a competent lawyer. Now when I say “competent”, I mean someone who understands the law in the 21st Century. With our limited budget, we’ve been relying on legal counsel from the law firm Lincoln, Anti-Lincoln, Zamboola, and Tuber. (I’ll spare you their T.V. jingle.) As you may have surmised, the only two “lawyers” here are honest Abe and his doppelganger (who, actually, never passed the bar… in fact, he’s never passed a bar in my experience without stopping for at least a couple of drinks). And their expertise is mostly in the context of 19th Century railway law. As for the other partners, well…. the less said the better.

So that’s where we stand… legal blackmail from our rapacious corporate label. Just one more way THE MAN keeps us down. Workers of the world UNITE! (Damn – there I go again. Pipe down, comrade!)

Justice for some.

In case the power’s been off in your neighborhood this week, I should mention that the first American war crimes tribunal since the end of World War II has been in session. Who’s the first accused war criminal to take the stand, the Herman Goering of the global war on terror? Well, it’s some dude who drove Bin Laden’s car. Or so they say. Actually, the evidence about that is a little thin, and some of that is testimony extracted under torture (or “enhanced interrogation techniques” as the dark comedians of the Bush administration term it). Another problem: a lot of the folks at Gitmo (Hamdan included) were handed over by surrogates in exchange for a bounty, so you tend to get a high error rate on your collars (e.g. a lot of people who owed a neighbor money or just got on the wrong side of somebody). Happily, the tribunal doesn’t rely on the same standard of evidence as one might expect in, say, a mainland American court of law. I suspect many of these cases, like that of Hamdan the “driver”, would simply fall apart in domestic courtrooms. Not on Fantasy Island, however.

Okay, so you’ve got one of Bin Laden’s alleged schleppers. He’s standing trial in a military courtroom. He is a Yemeni man accused of working with el primo terroristo, and the jury is made up of uniformed American military officers. (Wonder how that is going to come out?) And if that isn’t sure-fire enough for you, the jury need only render a majority vote to convict. Now, these proceedings have a history of questionable policies and practices, including credible accusations (some by senior military officers) against the commanders in charge of stacking the legal deck against the defendants (like insisting there be no acquittals). Still not comfortable with the potential outcome? How about the fact that, if acquitted, the defendant will stay at Gitmo until the end of the global war on terror (i.e. forever)? Same deal if he is convicted and sentenced to time served. (These Bush critters sure are risk-averse, aren’t they?)

With this monstrous individual on trial and Radovan Karadzic at the Hague, we should be feeling pretty safe, right? Well…. there are a few bad characters still on the loose, my friends. In fact, there’s one group of people currently at large that are responsible for what’s probably the most serious war crime of recent years. These criminal leaders:

  • invaded a sovereign nation that posed no threat to their country;

  • brought about the deaths of as many as one million civilians, both directly and as a result of their actions;

  • allowed the total dissolution of order, massive looting, destruction of public property, and collapse of public services while acting as an occupying power;

  • created a situation that produced 4 million refugees, more than 2 million of whom have fled the country;

  • violated their own laws of land warfare as well as international law by fundamentally altering the economy of the invaded nation;

…and actually quite a bit more than that. Pretty heinous, eh? Makes Karadzic look like a piker, frankly. And yet they hide in plain sight… even dancing on national television, with no worries about being carted away.

Schleppers beware: this war is on you.

luv u,

jp

Bad press.

What do you suggest we do, Gertrude? What’s done is done, right? What? No, no… that’s not an option. Besides… he’s too old to be any good in a stew. Bound to be stringy as hell.

Oh, hi, friends (or as John McCain might say, “my friends”). Sorry… I was just on the phone with someone at our label, that vice president of marketing and coercion person. She’s all bent out of shape. So are we all, frankly. Yes, that’s a metaphor. Though in the case of Marvin (my personal robot assistant), being bent out of shape is a serious matter and one that has been plaguing him since his invention by Mitch Macaphee some few years ago. (Marvin is bent just slightly out of shape, as perhaps you can tell from his photos.) I have to say, I don’t like it when people yell at me over the phone. I kind of worry they’ll hurt their throats and have to talk like Miles Davis for the rest of their natural lives. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that….)

Okay… so what was all the yelling and shouting and rending of garments about? Well… it seems out very own man-sized tuber has been a little bit indiscreet. Okay… I’ll be honest… extremely indiscreet. Where do I begin? Well… it seems at some point he got ahold of one of those vacation guides touting the great north country. So he decided one night to wheel off with some fellow tubers and go on a little trip up along the Moose River. (You know…. Moose River! Wider than the Nile! I’ll cross you single file some daaaaay!!!) Not a big deal, right? Shouldn’t be a problem for any normal root vegetable. I mean, you’d think he could keep a lid on his little bender… but no. The very next morning, laying across my breakfast table (right on top of my day-old toast), was a big freaking headline about none other than the tuber himself.

Okay, that was bad enough – to have his name plastered across my morning paper. But the fact that he managed to get his name plastered across Gertrude Al-Kabar’s morning paper was just about intolerable. (Sure, she gets the same paper I do… but what are the chances both would have the same front page?) Now the label is all pissed off. They’re nervous about terrestrial record sales, of course. I keep telling them that any publicity is good publicity, but these fuckers are old school. They can smell a scandal fifty miles away, especially when it involves five-foot-tall root animate vegetables on motorized carts. That freaking tuber has put us in Coventry once again. (Where is Coventry? Right where we are, that’s where.)

So… it looks like our promotional tour will definitely begin in outer space. Aldebaran here we come. Thanks a load, tubey! You and your white water rafting adventure holiday!!