Well, we managed to pull the Bill O’Reilly sound-alike tirade off the audio. But the logo… oh, the logo…
Glad you could make it back. (Back where?) Still hanging in there at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, just me and the fellows. And robots. And root vegetables. And mad scientists. And wayward planets. Shall I go on? Perhaps not. Anyway, when last you checked in, we were hammering out the details of our record release. Not such a difficult task, you may have supposed, inasmuch as we live in a hammer mill. Sadly, this was not the case. Our label’s law firm – Hegemonic Legal Services and Worm Farm, Inc. – is pretty well checked out on entertainment law, being as they are a subsidiary of our old corporate label, Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm (or “Hegephonic” as they came to be known). They know the ropes. And they know how to use them.
What went wrong? Couple of things. First of all, our legal representation was handled by two artificially recovered denizens of the 19th Century, an oversized sweet potato, and a sentient planetoid. Lincoln, Anti-Lincoln, Tuber, and Zamboola (no, I won’t play their stupid jingle!) is really just a gaggle of hangers-on who banded together at the last minute to fill the massive void left in the 
courtroom by our absence of competent counsel. To give you some idea of what I mean, I’ll reproduce below an excerpt of the transcripts of the proceeding:
Judge: Are there any other points of consideration?
Hegemonic Counsel: Just one, your honor. Exhibit Q.
Judge: Which is…?
Hegemonic Counsel: A signed confession from the respondent.
Anti-Lincoln: Objection!
Judge: What is your objection, counselor?
Anti-Lincoln: Missouri cannot remain half slave, half free!
Zamboola: I second that, your honor.
…And it pretty much went downhill from there. Only positive thing I can say is that, while we may have lost the 
right to keep Loathsome Prick’s logo off of our new CD, Missouri was a free state when we walked out of that courtroom. ‘Tis an ill wind indeed…
So, on with the program. We may raise the point that some of our testimony was coerced (Hegemonic still does business the old-fashioned way… the “Jakarta” method, you might say…) One way or the other, we’ve got some packing to do. That trip to Aldebaran is getting closer by the day… and I haven’t even ordered the liquid oxygen yet.
