THE BIG GREEN FAMILY HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER
Happy holidays, everybody. Man, has it been a year already? Can’t believe it. Seems like it was just yesterday when last we were filling you in on the inane details of our tawdry little lives. Tempus fugit. (So fuggit. ) Anyway, here’s the news from our neck of the woods…
Matt’s doing okay, thanks very much. He finished that little project he was working on – you know, the papier-mache helicopter that can fly between dimensions and traverse great distances fueled only by a LePage glue gun. Man, THAT was a big disappointment! Gave the prop a spin, tossed it over the battlements, and down to the street it went like a week-old cabbage. Man got to have his hobbies, you know. If it weren’t for the daily task of keeping those bazooka-toting, treestand-dwelling deer murderers away from the back forty, I don’t know how else he would occupy his time.
A lot of you ask about the two little Lincolns, and small wonder. Cute little fellers, aren’t they. Well, this year, the anti-matter one started school. He was the tallest kid in his kindergarten class – a respectable 6-foot-one – and impressed the teacher with his unitary executive theory and how it should be applied to people who not only ARE the president but who LOOK LIKE someone who once WAS president (emphasis added). Such a clever lad!
John has been playing guitars, banging drums, changing the laws of physics. He’s had a little help in that regard from Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, who spent a good part of this year tinkering with gravity and inertia. Next year he hopes to move on to the study of dark matter, but that involves a bit more driving around than he likes. You know old Mitch! Likes to keep close to his home planet, if he can. Anyway, he sends his regards. (Just handle them carefully… they may be radioactive.)
Marvin (my personal robot assistant) spent the summer at ping-pong camp. He’s looking forward to entering prep school next Fall. We’re all very excited. In fact, I’m jumping up and down as I type this. (I’ve been jumping up and down for several days now, creating a deep trench in the dirt floor of my basement room at the Cheney Hammer Mill from the persistent impact of my tennis shoes. But I 
digress… ) Marvin’s last score in robot school was 1,694,668 calculations per second. He’ll have to work on that, obviously, but still…. we’re proud… VERY proud…
And, of course, no holiday newsletter would be complete without news of the man-sized tuber. Ambitious little devil, he spent most of the year in a terrarium, then got it into his vegetable brain that he should take over our local government (with the consent of the voters, of course). Now we live under the iron fist of his relentless ambition, subject to an increasingly frequent string of arbitrary edicts from his fortified citadel in the center of our miserable little town. So, yeah… things are pretty good with him, and he says howdy. (Or as Jello would say, “Seig Howdy!”)
Well… got to get this off. Have a big fat happy freaking holiday, everybody!
