What time is it? Okay, now… what day is it? Is that so? Right, then… seems like a good time to open the mail. Oh, yes – we get it. Don’t think it’s like writing to Santa. Just scrawl “Big Green” on the outside of any envelope, drop it in a box, and it will find its way to us… as if by magic. That’s right, I said MAGIC.

Right. So, let’s see… what do we have in the old mail bag? Ah… here’s something…

My name is Barrister Zul Rafique an attorney by profession, in my quest to find a reliable trustee to manage the assets/estate of my late client valued at only $3.5,000.00 (Three Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) This is the reason why you are receiving this email from me. I shall be willing to supply you with more detailed information concerning this business project upon hearing back from you.

I am left with no other choice, but to carry out a discreet search for a reputable person outside the shores of my country and consequently seek your stewardship. If you wish to render your selfless service, but very rewarding, do provide me with the following information via my private mail box

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Thank you, all inconvenience is regretted.
– Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq.
Principal Partner Jeffrey Lee & Partners

Well, thanks for writing, Joe Lee Esq.  I will be more than glad to provide said private information. In fact, I have entrusted it to my good friend, Big Zamboola, who will carry it straight over to you…. just as soon as he disengages himself from synchronous orbit over Aldebaran 7. (He is strangely attracted to that hideous little globe.) Give him a few thousand years or so. Orbits have decayed more slowly than that, to be sure.

Here’s another one:

Dear Big Green,

I am a freelance tree psychoanalyst. I keep seeing this tree in your blog images that appears either depressed or otherwise ill at ease. May I have your permission to counsel the tree?

All I need is the following items:

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Please remit same at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Franklin Pierce Nonentity

Hiya, Franklin. I’m thinking you should just get the info from Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq. You’ll find his contact info above.