Good evening, everybody… glad you could tune in. This is Joe of Big Green, and I’m joined here by my bandmate/brother Matt Perry, mad scientist Mitch Macaphee, and Marvin (my personal robot assistant).
We’re running this little web-a-thon to raise funds for our bail, frankly. That’s why we’re broadcasting from this cramped little cell in a Kaztropharian jail. Yes, yes… we landed back in the crowbar hotel here on Kaztropharius 137b thanks to the efforts of Mitch, here, who took it upon himself to start playing ducks and drakes with the planet’s gravitational field. Long story short, it ended up more drakes than ducks, and a pound of flour on Kaztropharius 137b now clocks in at about five tons. At 37 drachmas a pound… well, you do the math. No one can afford the stuff. Bread factories are closing down. Bread riots have plagued the capital. And as the last pockets of resistance are vanquished, the emperor gazes ruefully down from his citadel and ponders the fate of his… his…
Okay, I got a little far afield there. Suffice to say, the authorities weren’t too pleased by Mitch’s placing 
of a massive technological thumb on the scale of every commodity on the planet. To say nothing of the Kaztropharians’ self-esteem. They all weigh several tons now, and most are too ashamed to go to the beach. (Of course, here on Kaztropharius 137b, the beaches all front pools of liquid methane… so if you were considering this a possible tourist destination, consider again.) So, into the hoosegow we went. Sad but true. Got any good ideas about getting out of here? Seriously, if you ever did time on this planet and found a tunnel to the nearest launch pad, get in touch with us pronto…. like NOW.
Right then, on to the phones. What’s that? We HAVE no phones? What the hell kind of telethon is this going to be? Oh, I see … no cameras either. Well, that would seem to eliminate the need for phones. Stupid Kaztropharian prison! Okay, so I’m calling out to you surfers out there, right now, over the interWebs, from a great, great distance away (but not so far that we don’t have wifi). GET US OUT OF HERE!
Did you get that? Not sure how I would know. Hey, Matt… you shout for a while.
