We’re off the charts? Finally! Took long enough. What the hell… this band has been going for 25 years and we… What? Oh. We’re off the star charts. Right.
Well, space travel has just gotten a lot more confusing, people. Much, much more complicated than even a few weeks ago when we left planet Earth to embark on this ENTER THE MIND: THE ULTIMATE BIG GREEN EXPERIENCE tour. It seems that normal (i.e. not mad) scientists back on Earth have discovered the existence of literally millions…. perhaps BILLIONS of Earth-sized planets circling stars throughout our galaxy. As we’re bobbing around out here, trying to find our next destination (Kaztropharius 137b), we’ve been scratching our heads, trying to figure out where all of these freaking planets came from. None of them are on the charts. Lots of them look alike. This is bloody ridiculous.
Okay, so… where do we start? With the mad scientist, of course. Mitch Macaphee knows everything about planets and planetoids, from concocting them to blowing them up (particularly the latter, truth be told). We caught him in the middle of one of his favorite experiments – turning lapis lazuli into marble fudge. (It’s not exactly a value-creation experiment, but hell… I did say he was mad, didn’t I?) The conversation went something like this:
Joe: Hey, Mitch?
Mitch: Can’t you see I’m busy
Matt: Wait…. Is that lapis lazuli?
Joe: Never mind that. Mitch, the planets, Mitch…!
Mitch: Yes, yes? What about them? Yes??
Matt: I didn’t know lapis lazuli is blue. Thought it was …
Joe: There are too many of them! How do we tell them apart?
Mitch: Don’t ask me such foolish questions. When you want to blow them apart, let me know.
As you can tell, we weren’t getting a lot of help from him. A little later on, he sent Marvin (my personal robot assistant) into my quarters (an empty storage bin, actually) with a recorded message. “Use the laser cannon,” Mitch said on the recording. “If a planet splits straight down the middle, it can’t be Kaztopharius 137b. That thing is made of solid quintilium. The best you can get is a clean hole, no split. Just keep shooting til you find it.”
I’m not sure, but I think Mitch is suggesting we incinerate multiple worlds, and personally, I’m a little uncomfortable with that. (Anti-Lincoln seems kind of keen, though.) Better take tonight’s watch, just to be sure.
