What the hell. I thought I put that sucker out to the curb. Is that the same one, or another, identical one? Hey… same to you, Lincoln! Jeezus. Why are you so bad tempered?
Man, I’ll tell you – tempers run short here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill in the middle of July. All this heat… it’s driving us mad! Those of us who weren’t mad to begin with, that is. (Strangely, it kind of drives Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, sane.) I’m just trying to clear out the clutter a little bit, and I threw out a beam of wood. I mean literally, I threw it out the window in hopes the trash collectors would pick it up. Next thing I know, it’s back in the freaking hallway. I guess Lincoln (or perhaps anti-Lincoln… I keep mixing them up because the heat makes them switch personalities) has grown attached to that particular fallen roof beam, or was perhaps planning to whittle it into something more attractive. Don’t know for sure, but he appears to have taken the heat. Calm down, Mr. President!
Well, now, I know in these dark, dark days, you probably have your own troubles to consider, so let me get straight to the point here. I will just offer you my Big Green report and go merrily along my way, so that you may return to whatever it was you were doing before you stumbled upon this rambling account. (What was I saying? Ah, yes…) It seems your friends in Big Green are preparing for yet another glorious interstellar tour, taking in the inner (and out the outer) planets, swinging on a star, etc. Just working up the itinerary while I type these words. Yes, I’m a multi-tasker from way back. Would you believe I’m also cleaning my oven? (Check your 60s – 70s vintage t.v. ads for that reference.) That’s to say nothing of what I’m simultaneously doing in other dimensions and the various parallel universes. Boggles the mind, quite simply.
Still, as many of you probably know, the main consideration with these tours is logistics. I don’t know if you’ve followed our previous outings, but typically we run into some kind of technical or manpower-related difficulties at some point in the proceedings, then mayhem ensues. That’s been the pattern. Why, you ask? Well, it could be because we’re just plain unlucky. Or maybe because we’re getting a little old and codger-like. But I think the most convincing explanation is that we rely too much on frail human faculties to carry us from solar system to solar system. We need more automation. And watching all that footage of those BP robots working furiously on that spill in the Gulf, I’m reminded that robots – excluding for a moment Marvin (my personal robot assistant) – are an under-utilized resource in this operation.
Perhaps we need an automated vehicle this time, eh? What do you think, Lincoln? What? Do you even know what that gesture means? Here we go… damned heat!
