Hey, can you hear me down there? Mitch? Tubey? Hellllooooooooo!!!!
Oh, yeah – he’s done it again. Our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee is the “he” I mean, and he’s … well .. cracked like any good mad scientist would be. I told him a dozen times that building underground tunnels to other countries is just not a very good idea. I warned him that there would be perhaps dire consequences to attempting such a project. Why… just tell me, why do mad scientists NEVER LISTEN TO REASON? WHY MUST THEY DESTROY THEMSELVES AND ALL THAT THEY LOVE?
I guess it’s just part of the narrative of mad science. You’ve seen it a million times, on the late, late, late show. Science fiction always makes the evil pay, just like 50’s and 60’s television. Look at how superman made that clown pay! He asked for it, goddamnit. Um… but I digress. It seems as though Mitch has made the decision to build a separate tunnel to every nation on Earth. He started with Alabama (which he thinks is its own nation – don’t tell him it’s not!) and has since built tunnels to Bangladesh, Chad, and Madagascar (skipping a few ahead…. A.D.D., I suspect). So as we sit here conversing so pleasantly, Mitch Macaphee has taken it upon himself to turn the earth into a block of swiss cheese.
What is his motivation here? The most capitalistic of reasons, Colonel Austin. He wants to set up what he calls an underground “choo choo” and charge people for the privilege of riding down the hole and out the other side of this increasingly raggedy planet. Fantastic scheme, to be sure… except convincing people to ride on the freaking thing will take even more engineering prowess than actually constructing it. (You DON’T want to see the men’s room – it’s …well… substandard.) I know he means well (I think), that he’s trying to bring in some badly needed revenue at this critical juncture when yours truly is about to be ejected from the Cheney Hammer Mill by the department of health. (They take issue with all of the mongooses. What the hell – so do I! Thing is, so do the mongooses.) It’s just the method, Mitch, the method.
Speaking of methods, I have to get back to the studio. I believe I left the tape machine running. And at 30 IPS, it’s probably reached the other end of one of Mitch’s tunnels by now.
