Check the World Book. Not in there? Okay. Now check Britannica. No reference? Right, right. I guess we’ll have to resort to Compton’s. Pull out the 1963 edition, that ought to do it.
Oh, hi. Good god, y’all…. this is a grueling task. To what do I refer, you may ask? No, I’m not making gruel, at least not this evening. (Tomorrow’s menu, however, may include that dubious delicacy… who knows?) Lord, no… many of us here are engaged in finding evidence of the man-sized tuber in various historical accounts, including encyclopedias, history textbooks, comics, etc. After all, it is HE who saved the Republic from a fate worse than death. It is HE who rescued the honor of our most revered president and restored him to the exalted position he once held in the pantheon of the American story. And it is HE who introduced the chocolate cream pie to the post-civil war dinner table… and this BEFORE the invention of the refrigerator. Yes, this is one man-sized tuber that’s larger than life.
And yet, does his name appear anywhere in the annals of U.S. history? I have yet to see a single jot about him, damn it. That’s gratitude for you. Here this root vegetable, desicated within an inch of his life, erroneously teleported more than a continent away from his destination then zapped back to Washington, loaded for bear, laboriously wheeled his way up Capitol Hill with what would 
seem an impossible objective: wrest control of the nation away from that nefarious usurper, anti-matter Lincoln, who had inserted himself into the machinery of state like a log in the works. Some kind of conspiracy, you say? An evil effort to subvert the judgment of history and render meaningless the near-incalculable contribution of one man-sized tuber?
Well, neither. I just made it up, friends. Not a bit of it is true. Tubey never stopped nothin’ from happening. Fact is, even when we got him back to Washington, he couldn’t find his way to the White House or the Capitol. No, he spent most of his time looking for the Lincoln memorial which, of course, WAS NOT BUILT YET IN 1864! For chrissake, tubey! Anyway, the real story is that we got 
Mitch Macaphee to apply his massive brain to the problem. He actually very cleverly reached back in time to the instant anti-Lincoln arrived in the past and snatched him back to futureland before he could do all that damage. Near as we can tell, all is back as it was before. Except for one small detail. This will make you laugh. Remember president George H. W. Bush? Well, because of some insignificant act on the part of anti-Lincoln back in 1864, Bush’s son George W. became the 43rd president. Weirdest thing.
Sorry about that, man. Blame anti-Lincoln – it’s his bad.
