Okay, it goes like this. Boom…. crack…. boom-boom crack…. Boom…. crack…. boom-boom… crack… crack! Got that? What…. you need to hear it again? What the hell am I, a beat box?
Momma, don’t let your babies grow up to be band leaders! Not that this band has any leaders, per se – we kind of pass the talking stick around, and who ever happens to be holding it has the floor. (In truth, we don’t really have a stick here in Big Green. We just take turns in non-stick holding ways.) However you cut it, it’s hard to make music in this abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill environment, particularly with patience running thin in the midst of such a serious economic downturn. Oh yes, my friends – it affects us, as well. Big Green is not immune, no sir. We put our pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else. Except the man-sized tuber, who doesn’t have legs. Or Marvin (my personal robot assistant), who doesn’t wear pants. (He’s made of metal, you see.) Or sFshzenKlyrn, who is a transcendental being of no fixed mass, location, or temporal displacement, and therefore does not need pants, not in the least. So that thing I said earlier about pants… well… just forget it.
Anyway… we recently discovered, to our great dismay, that the corporate label that claims our allegiance at present has fallen upon some hard financial times. Yes, Loathsome 
Prick, who currently handles our intergalactic CD sales, ran into a little trouble with a small business unit they established some years back down here on terra firma. It’s called LP Financial Products and it specializes in something called, um…. let’s see…. credit…. credit default swaps. Yeah, that’s it. Whatever the hell they are. Anyhow, they ended up owing a whole lot of cash to somebody, and I’m not quite sure how or why. Interesting side note: I went over to their office the other day and saw our A&R rep leaving by the freight elevator with a large suitcase. Must have been in a hurry – he apparently closed the suitcase on some $100 bills he was packing. (Damned untidy, I thought. Curious thing.)
Here’s the rub – I’m told that most of what we’ve earned through intergalactic CD sales (an emerging market, to be sure) was invested for us by Loathsome Prick in what they called a “growth fund”. Fortunately, financial products division of LP guaranteed those investments with these here credit default swap thingies. Unfortunately, when those investments went bad (I 
believe they sunk most of it into a doomed asteroid – seemed like a good bet at the time) and LP Financial Products was asked to pay up, they… well… defaulted. Now they’ve applied for an AIG style government bailout. My guess is that, with a name like Loathsome Prick, they should have no worries. In the meantime, our reps have apparently decided to go on a hastily planned vacation to …. well, they didn’t say where, exactly. All I know is that they must have been running a little late. (Never seen a car take a turn on one wheel before….)
Anywho, our personal financial advisor – Geet O’Reilly – now tells us that they’re having some financial trouble. And that all of our earnings from the last three tours are down the toilet. Easy come… easy go, right?
More where that came from – For those of you who enjoyed our listener-penned reviews last week, you can read more at our little outpost on garageband.com – Our page is at http://www.garageband.com/artist/big_green/songs. Check it out. Some are even kind of… I don’t know… positive.
