He’s about to pull the lever. He’s pulling it. Grit your teeth! Oooohh, no. He’s done it. Hmmm… I don’t feel any different. Do you?

Hi, folks. Back at the Hammer Mill again for some more off-season fun, eh? I’ll tell you, never a dull moment around these parts. You’d think we’d have enough to do, preparing for our trip out to Aldebaran to debut the songs on our soon-to-be-released new album, International House. W.t.f., there’s a ship to pack, instruments to lug about, Lincoln clones to verbally abuse… We’ve got to train a man-sized tuber in space-bound emergency procedures (his performance rating was very poor on our last outing). Matt and John are busily typing up lyric sheets to hand out as party favors at our first pre-concert reception. (I keep telling them… you don’t have to type them all. Just use a photocopy machine.) That’s what we call the personal touch around here. Customer service, that’s what Big Green is all about. Have a seat. Anything I can get for you? Drink, perhaps? Something a little stronger?

Man, with a spiel like that, they’re going to love us on Aldebaran… if we ever make it there alive. Unfortunately, this may not happen. In fact, you may be vaporized by the time you read this. I imagine you’ve heard about the impending “Big Bang” experiment utilizing the Large Hadron Collider on the border of Switzerland and France. (Yes, that big bang experiment.) Well, it’s going forward despite doubts that it may in fact spawn tiny, powerful black holes that will swallow the earth and pulverize all we know into a massively dense ribbon of compressed matter. That sort of thing can, well, ruin your whole day. And though the experiment’s detractors have been roundly criticized, you have to wonder a bit whether or not there’s something to these fears of imminent destruction. Hey… I live under the same roof as a mad scientist. Imminent destruction is a fact of life around these parts, friends.

Anyway, here’s the problem. Mitch Macaphee, our mad science adviser, inventor of Marvin (my personal robot assistant), etc., had at one point harbored ambitions to be a part of this Big Bang experiment, but was spurned by its organizers. He has since held a bit of a grudge. This might not have been a problem, except that now that he has finished work on our space elevator (built from spare submarine parts), Mitch has got a lot of time on his hands. And let’s face it, the Large Hadron Collider has been very much in the news just lately. I mean, every time the guy watches the evening news, smoke starts coming out of his ears. So for a couple of days, he holed himself up in his lab, hammering away at something, ultimately to reveal a diabolical-looking device which he claims has the power to inhibit the Collider experiment, even though it is halfway around the world from here. How it is supposed to do this, I don’t know…. but before I could ask him, he pulled the lever.

Don’t know if it’s nervousness or what, but it feels like the ground is shaking. Crikey – we’d better get that new album out fast.

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