If this is prehistory, what the hell was yesterday? And if the universe is infinite, where the hell does it end? And if God is both infallible and omnipotent, how come s/he can’t make mistakes?
Questions, questions, questions! Oh, how you vex me with your endless inquisitiveness! What was that? I was asking those questions? I? Hmmm… I do remember muttering something a few moments ago, and my utterances did end in an upward lilt. So perhaps you’re right – I guess I am the inquisitor, not the inquisitee. (Inquisitee?) My apologies. I’m a bit disoriented, I admit. Driven from my home by a titanic battle of extraterrestrials. Shot into space and dropped into an inhospitable ocean whose evil currents deposited us onto the shore of a strange and foreboding land. Lashed to an oar like a galley slave (hard work, few breaks, but you meet some very interesting people), then winning my freedom at enormous personal cost… only to face the wrath of a gorgon-like creature from the deep. What kind of a week have I had? Don’t ask!
Okay, okay… I didn’t face all this alone. Naturally, I was joined in my misadventures by fellow Big Green-ers, Matt Perry and John White, plus Marvin (my personal robot assistant), the man-sized tuber of our acquaintance, Big Zamboola, and the two Lincolns (posi- and anti-), who split up with us on the mysterious island of Manna-hat-a-hun. Last week, we were being pursued by a large, loch-dwelling denizen of the deep – in essence, the Creature of the Barge Canal – which had barged (so to speak) into the riverboat’s on-deck buffet and helped itself to a generous serving of shrimp salad with a side of officer of the day. Believing we were next on the menu, we opted for below-decks, from whence we had emerged, in hopes that our giant pursuer would be unable to follow.
The thing about Diplodocus-like critters is that they have kind of a long neck… a real long neck. And if they want to follow you through a bulkhead, down a long flight of stairs, and into several cabins, well, they can kind of do just that. What to do? We panicked, quite frankly. My eyes started rolling back in my head. Marvin’s gears started squeaking rather loudly, and smoke came out of his audio sensors. Before we all had the chance to fall over backwards, Matt came forth with a rendition of Big Green’s Dino song:
Dinos had a good time on the trolley!
Dinos had a good time at the fair!
Dinos had a holiday, ’til the sky turned mean and gray
Their underbellies went a-gushin’ jelly and they died in searing pain!
… and so on and so forth. Well… the giant sea creature – Diplodocus, I believe – started swaying back and forth in time with the music. It was a trance like state, brought on by the singing of this ludicrous little number Matt and I pulled out of our asses in about five minutes some years back. Damnedest thing.
What happened next? Matt kept singing. When he got tired, I took over. Then it was Marvin’s turn. Then John. Sheesh. It’s going to be a long trip back to the mill.
