Aw, tubey… what do you want to go and do that for? Put it down, tubey… put it down. Owwww! Not there — that’s my freaking skull, you cruciferous moron!
Ah, yes… there you are. Welcome. As you can see by the banner head (oh, say, can you see the banner head?), your belov’d “Notes from Sri Lanka” has been re-christened (or more properly speaking, re-agnosticized) “Hammer Mill Days” — just one component in our year-long rebranding project. Ahem… did I just say that? Can’t have been me. I must have been channeling our publicist from Loathsome Prick records — the one who keeps insisting that we re-brand ourselves as some kind of contemporary country or aging emo band (yuk!). Fucker put one of those Bluetooth antennae in my head while I was sleeping, so every once in a while I pop out with his latest PR drivel.
Just to keep you straight on who’s saying what, I’ll just put all the publicist’s words in some other color… like maroon, say. Maroon is so last year! Yeah, that will work nicely.
All right, now that I’ve dealt with him, let’s get back to you. You may be wondering, What the fuck are they doing now? Why change the name at this advanced stage of pointlessness? Well, with the help of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) and the man sized tuber (who won’t put that hammer down), your friends in Big Green have prepared the following brief Q&A:
Q: What the fuck are you doing now?
A: Specifically, scratching my left earlobe. But more to the point, we’re changing the name of this blog to better serve you, our valued customers… or not, depending on who you trust. (Jesus, that’s annoying!) Actually, the truth is that we’ve gotten tired of explaining how Sri Lanka is not so much the place where we live (which, of course, it isn’t) as it was a clumsy attempt to make reference to our state of near-total obscurity as a band. Turns out a lot more of our readers/listeners know all about Sri Lanka than we gave them credit for. So we’ve settled on something more suitably obscure — an abandoned hammer mill in the middle of nowhere. That’s the ticket.
Q: Why “Hammer Mill Days” and not “Nut Butter Alley” or “Reflective Blister Times?”
A: Excellent question, Marvin. It’s all about branding, you see. No, no… Don’t listen to that asshole! It’s because the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill is the locus of all that is Big Green. And because “Nut Butter Alley” was already taken. (That other one, I’m not even going to comment on.)
Q: Why do you suck so bad?
A: Loaded question, but fair. I guess it’s because you say so, tubey. (He’s just pissed off because I haven’t watered him yet today.)
So anyway… there you have it. Big new name, same poor quality. Everything you expect out of your favorite Big Green blog… and more. We’ve even set up a mirror site at Blogspot so that you can check out our latest exploits without having to surf all the way over to the hammer mill every time you want to hear from us. Isn’t that considerate of us? No, that’s elementary customer service. Arrggh… Loathsome Prick is certainly earning their label this week. Tubey — give me that goddamn hammer so I can knock that pernicious Bluetooth receiver out of my skull. I’ll get the freaking water, okay? Tubey!!
