Raise the spirit temperature 17 degrees. Good. Now, engage the magneto drive. Switching… switching… got it. Got the diamond drill ready? No? Just the cubic zirconium drill? That will have to do.
Ah, hello. Wasn’t aware there was anyone within eyeshot of our little corner on the Web. One never knows, does one? Caught us all in the middle of an experiment, or as our Italian scientist friend Dr. Hump calls it, an experimento. (My Italian is a little rusty.) Actually, the experiment is being conducted not only by the good doctor, but also on the good doctor. Does that sound unethical? I certainly hope so, or your moral compass is way out of alignment. Better get that sucker looked at, little fella. But I digress… As I’ve mentioned earlier in these pages, we’ve been on a bit of a science kick here at the Cheney Hammer Mill. I’m not just talking about the esoteric stuff, like “how much does the moon weigh?” I’m talking practical, too, as in, “how do you keep the rain out of my bedroom?” The science of roofing, as it were.
Anyway, the redoubtable Dr. Hump — a brain in a jar, as you may be aware — has talked us into helping him acquire something akin to super-powers. Granted, he has no body with which to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He’s concentrating more on mental agility and parapsychological powers of the kind that our friend Trevor James Constable masters through various contrivances, like his patented orgone generating device. In fact, Trevor James is acting as an expert consultant on this 
procedure… though the actual bull work is being done with great precision by Marvin (my personal robot assistant). Why Marvin? Well, Mitch Macaphee did not want to get directly involved — something to do with professional ethics, I believe — so he asked his invention to serve as a stand-in. (Mitch took the trouble to program the requisite skills into Marvin before the procedure began. Good thinking. Good thinking.)
How does this bear on our ongoing recording / mixing / mastering project, now in its fourth glorious goddamned fucking year? Well, I’m gon’ tell yuh. If we can help Dr. Hump (the brain) to acquire fantastic para-
psychological powers, he can be of enormous help in marketing whatever finished product comes out of the other end of our endless recording / mastering sessions. The way I figure it, the good doctor can project an irresistible impulse into millions of people the world over to buy or download our album. Oh, then the money will come rolling in like hay bales in September. By that time, of course, we will need telekinesis just to get the CDs into the shops, as none of us will have the energy to do it ourselves (and, of course, our distributors have long since abandoned us). Good things come to those who wait… and to those who are particularly receptive to telekinetic suggestion. Pass it along, will you? There’s a good chap.
Rest assured, we are drawing closer and closer to the day when our new album will be released into the wild. And you will know it has arrived when you see a strange image of a disembodied brain in your mind’s eye… and hear a sound that goes WOOoooWOOOOoooWOOOooo. That’s called marketing, friends. Ear muffs won’t help you. Neither will Rice Crispies.
