NOTES FROM SRI LANKA.

(November '00)

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11/5/2000

Grrreetings, mes amis.

It's been a quiet week in Lake Wo...I mean, in Sri Lanka. No public radio broadcasts emanating from here, I can tell you. Things have been fairly quiescent on the music front as well, with preparations underway for the onslaught of winter -- always a primary concern in the tropics at this time of year. 

Winterizing the lean-to usually involves digging a big hole, kicking the support post so that the sucker collapses, then pulling the hole in after it. Three steps, and you're done. Simple, right? Well, this year is different. We have a new lean-to, you see. And as some of our neighbors have pointed out, we may have overbuilt just slightly. 

It's actually more a standard construction-style lean-to, with a mansard roof, central heating and air conditioning, solar panels, and a studio in the basement, including a fairly large "live" room we reserve for John's drum kit (see photo). Our architect -- a local plantation owner and scrap-metal dealer named Martha -- got a bit carried away with the project of reconstituting what had once been little more than a board propped up with a broom handle. Personally, I thought having a walk-in terrarium was a bit much, especially since we live so close to the woods. But Martha has her own ideas, god bless her. And thanks to her,  we're livin' large in Sri Lanka's only 14 bedroom split-level lean-to. Pretty easy to spot, if you're in the neighborhood. 

But boarding up this barn hasn't been the only task on the Big Green agenda over the last few weeks. Oh, no. With the first anniversary of the release of our debut CD and the launch of www.BigGreenHits.com fast approaching, we are busily making plans for the re-launch of 2000 Years To Christmas , just in time for the holiday season. Our sometimes intractable corporate label Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc., has a number of electrifying publicity stunts planned, hoping to squeeze a final few dimes out of what has been a disastrous alliance for them, money-wise. According to a rumor circulated by our paid publicist from Patton Boggs, Hegemonic plans to set up the world's longest line of synchronized pop-up toasters all along lower Broadway, each loaded with two copies of 2KY2C, so that on cue, thousands of copies of our CD will spring high into the sky, hot as a pistol and ready for airplay. 

Hey...with showmen like this on our side, we can't lose!

Down To The Wire. Speaking of showbiz, we're careening towards the grisly end to a particularly grisly political season. This time next week we'll know which set of lunatics will be sending the world to an early grave. Talk about suspense!

In the great state of New York, the charming Rick "Honest John" Lazio (see photo) is frantically trying to convince voters that Hillary Clinton and her hubby are card-carrying members of Islamic Jihad, and not the Arab world's worst nightmare, as the Clintons most assuredly have been. Having presided over the US-funded construction of many more Israeli settlements in the occupied West Bank than during the preceding two administrations (as well as many more Iraqi deaths than occurred during the Gulf War), the Clintons should have no problem in this area. 

Then there's George Dubya "Honest John" Bush, burning up the campaign trail with everyone's favorite African-American warmonger Colin Powell (one-time official apologist for the My Lai massacre). Here's Dubya just yesterday, indicating the number of times he's been arrested since 1967. Officially, at least. Now there's a man with convictions. Three of 'em. 

Meanwhile, Dubya's worthy opponents are scrambling from swing state to swing state, attempting to "shore up" a core constituency whose loyalty they've done nothing to earn. Typical. They advance a corporate sponsored agenda of happy talk and half-measures, and they expect everyone to line up in lock-step behind them. The way some of these Gore-Lieberman folks talk, you'd think the Greens were stealing from them -- as if the Dems own progressive voters by some arcane principle of intellectual property law. Hey -- if the Tin Man goes down, don't blame Nader. It's Gore's own damn fault.  

Have a safe and happy election day. And if you've been drinking, be sensible. Give Dubya the keys.

luv u,

jp  

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11/12/2000

Here we are again, man....

Well, we've finally gotten this joint ready for the onslaught of winter. Now maybe we can start working on music again, right? Yeah, sure...if we can avoid distractions of the type we had all this week.

Thanks to the global notoriety this website has afforded us, we have been besieged with visitors over the past year. Some are merely curiosity seekers, others long-forgotten associates from days past, like Trevor James Constable and Dr. Hump. There are also those who have been attracted by my somewhat picturesque descriptions of our island home. The most notable among this last category has been the French actor Gerard Depardieu, who made his way here last week to film some scenes for his latest small screen epic. Following hot on the heels of his triumphant portrayals of Honore Balzac and The Count of Monte Cristo, Gerard has chosen Sri Lanka as the setting for his made-for-TV adaptation of that beloved tome, Hooked On Phonics!

Now, those of you who have known the members of Big Green for more than a couple of weeks may be under the mistaken impression that the three of us are "cinematically challenged". But, I'll have you know, M. Depardieu has actually invited us to read for supporting roles in Hooked On Phonics! And though Matt is the only one of us with any acting experience, John and I were the first to step up to the plate. As you can tell from this scratchy-looking Polaroid, I let Gerard (I call him Gerard) have it with both barrels, pulling out my famous impression of Lord Melbury. (Or was this my James Baker III impersonation? I forget.) You can see John in the background, warming up for his Hamlet soliloquy. 

Gerard (as I call him) is a nice guy; a little demanding, perhaps. We had to bring in a boatload of Palak Paneer for his first night's dinner. I also can't help but notice that some of his subtitles have misspellings in them. I was going to alert him to this fact, but I have to get fitted for French closed-captioning first, or else he won't understand a word I'm saying. 

The Best Election Ever. Well, it finally got interesting. The titanic struggle between two empty suits has literally split the U.S. voting public in two over which one is more loathsome. In the process, the election "deadlock" has highlighted some commonly overlooked inequities in the mechanics of American "democracy"...and has brought out the worst in both campaigns. What could be better? 

Before poor old Dubya could pop the cork on the champagne, his glorious victory began to crumble around him. Matt has observed that, as the stalemate drags on, boils are appearing on Dubya's face like the Gorgon in the Star Trek episode, And the children shall lead ("I command you...I command you," he bellows).

Meanwhile, the "Gorebot" is trying to appear aloof, in true Reagan style. Playing a Frankensteinian game of touch football. Taking in a hyper-patriotic movie with Tipper, Joe, and Hadassah. Reading a bedtime press release to his grandchild. He's just a great big fun guy...and popular, too, as his 200,000 vote national lead will attest. Not that that counts for anything, you understand. Our American system of indirect presidential elections is designed to keep "demagogues" and other "swell guys" from taking that loftiest of political offices. 

That brings it down to a handful of votes in the Sunshine State; a prize both campaigns have dispatched lawyers, PR flacks, and senior party figures to battle over. With all the legal wrangling and ballot irregularities,  substantial questions will linger over the legitimacy of the next administration, no matter which joker leads it. They mirror the questions many have about the legitimacy of elections submerged in a sea of corporate cash, as this one surely has been. And who ever said nothing good could come of this race? (Was it me? Who cares what I say, anyway?)

More later, I trust.  

luv,

jp

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11/19/2000

Greetings and felicitations!

What's up in the claustrophobic little universe of Big Green? Well...we're currently in the process of re-introducing the Earthbound listening public to last year's release, 2000 Years To Christmas or "2KY2C" as our PR flacks sometimes refer to it. I would be a liar to claim that our label, Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc., has covered its investment with sales of 2KY2C. In fact, you could say those boys are a little disappointed with our virtual (or in plain language, non-existent) success on our home planet Earth. This, they complain, should be Big Green country!

The fact is, we've always done better elsewhere. In fact, we've made most of our money as a band through record sales on other planets, most notably Saturn and Uranus. (Hell, without these proceeds, we couldn't afford our lean-to!) Even Neptunian listeners have been buying 2KY2C since our tour stopped there last summer (though Jupiter remains a tough nut to crack). But our extra-terrestrial success has done little to mollify nervous bean-counters at Hegemonic. Their contract only entitles them to a piece of our earthbound sales. Small oversight on their part. 

Anyway, they're a little sore at us. At least, I think so. Call me paranoid. I think the thing that tipped me off may have been the legion of gun-toting thugs that arrived this week from Hegemonic's offices in Jakarta. But maybe I'm reading too much into it. 

Well, we had a little band meeting and decided we should probably try to bump up sales of 2KY2C here on planet earth. It wasn't easy arriving at that decision. Not because of the relative merits of our PR plan, or the cold muzzles of Hegemonic's M-16s pressed up against our necks. What made it hard was the accumulation of a week's worth of subtitles from our visiting filmmaker Gerard Depardieu, who somehow stumbled upon my cache of Cointreau and has been telling cinematic war stories ever since. Man, that guy can talk! I can't slow him down. The best we could do is get him to increase the leading a bit so we can at least see each other through the type. If he keeps up like this, Hooked On Phonics will take years to finish and Gerard will leave Sri Lanka submerged in a sea of subtitles. 

So, things could be better. How's about you? 

Dueling Banditos. That 'lection show continues in the States, specifically in the state of Florida, but more importantly in the state of Public Relations. And on that battleground, my friends, it is no-holds-barred. The latest wrinkle, as of this writing, was the Bush camp's tactical assault on the issue of military absentee ballots, with Republican flacks fanned out over the media accusing the Gore campaign of, in Montana Governor Marc Raciot's words, having "gone to war...against the men and women who serve in our Armed Forces" (presumably by promising to hurl money at them). The Heroic General Schwarzkopf was trotted out to opine that all armed forces ballots should be tallied, no matter how little they comply with relevant statutes. The great Hero of Kuwait-Iraq highway (and various other fair fights) obviously has his own ideas about how military ballots should be handled (see photo). Now, there's a voting machine!

Of course, all of this (and all the gasses emanating from the Gore team) is nothing more than a cloud of noxious PR aimed at installing one man or the other in the White House, regardless of what those suckers in the voting booths had to say. But hey, that's what America's all about -- may the best firm win, right? 

I'll have you know that we of Big Green have not been sitting on our hands while our native land is in such a state of post-electoral confusion. In fact, we've invited our old interplanetary tour buddy Dubya over to the lean-to to work on his jaw-setting exercises, in preparation for his eventual victory speech. (It's obvious he needs a little practice.) We've got the backdrop and the US flag all ready for the boy. We've even set the tape-marks on the floor to keep his boils out of sight. 

Come on over, Dubya. We left the light on for you. 

luv,

jp

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11/26/2000

Bon Matin! (translation: Halp!)

I hate to sound like something less than a gracious host, but this Gerard Depardieu moviemaking experience is really getting up my nose, big time. I don't think I've been this put out since sFshzenKlyrn, our ad-hoc guitarist from the planet Zenon, got us lost on the way to that Venus gig (see October's "Notes" for more on this). And that entailed withstanding massive g-forces and constant bombardment by ultra-violet radiation. Not to mention hospital-grade food from Sodexo-Marriott. (ulp.)

Hey -- none of us mind a minor inconvenience, but this! We've literally been driven from our lean-to by the streams of subtitles produced by Gerard's incessant chattering, both on and off the set of his epic small-screen production of Hooked on Phonics!. On Matt's suggestion, we've taken refuge in our mutant herb garden, but even there you can hardly see the elephant garlic for the type. We did get Gerard to agree to switch the subtitle font to a much more readable helvetica, but even then...enough is enough. Now he's on about his various romantic peccadilloes, and we're getting more detail than any one of us truly wants to know. The man even talks in his sleep!

One good thing to come of this was that we were able to use some of Gerard's used subtitles as a screen behind which we could evade the Indonesian rent-a-thugs hired by our label, Hegemonic Records & Worm Farm, Inc. They've occupied the lean-to, and are now poking around behind the stacks of discarded expletives in hopes of compelling us to sign a revamped marketing agreement for the relaunch of our album, 2000 Years To Christmas or "2KY2C". So you could say, Gerard talked us out of that tight little spot...for the time being.

Not that the Hegemonic deal was to be all that bad. In fact, they had a mid-west US tour all mapped out for us, complete with luxury accommodations and our own private tour bus. (I think the bus is on loan from Bob Jones University, judging by the decor.) They've even promised us a penthouse flat in Manhattan with hot and cold running hangers-on. Either that, or a bullet in the neck. (It's always the carrot and the stick with those guys.)  

Well, while we're mulling that one over, there's plenty to keep us busy out here in the mutant herb garden. We're finally getting some rehearsal in, for one thing (sans instruments, of course). And John has found his missing sneaker -- no more hopping around on one foot for him. You see -- things can always be worse. 

High Stakes Bingo Cards. Is anyone out there tired of that 'lection show on CNN? Neither am I. Though the talking heads are starting to talk about getting tired of it, even though they must be making obscene amounts of money, chattering incessantly about the relatively mundane process of hand counting what amounts to half a million bingo cards. I must confess to a large measure of glee at the fact that neither one of those fuckers has been able to uncork the champagne yet, let alone order drapes for the oval office. Even though Dubya is trying to appear as if suited up and ready to ride. (The blemishes are fading....fading....)

If -- as seems likely -- Dubya becomes the next president, I'm almost certain that he's going to need counseling in the wake of this ordeal. After all, you wouldn't want him to return to the indiscreet and even destructive habits of his youth (his 30's, that is) which used to cause uncle Baker such consternation...would you? 

Psychological counseling for denizens of the White House is not unprecedented, as recent revelations about the Nixon presidency have shown. In fact, there are precedents even with respect to Dubya's fellow Texan Chief Executives. I don't count Poppy Bush -- he's about as Texas as my ass. But LBJ certainly had his difficulties, which of course manifested themselves in terms of international conflict. Luckily, he had teams of trained psychiatrists keeping him on the straight and narrow, more or less. Surely the same resources could be made available for Dubya when he gets the keys to that cool marble pad. For god's sake...he doesn't even have a national plurality to keep his little brain warm, let alone a landslide.

A mind is a terrible thing to lose. 

luv u,

jp

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