january01

NOTES FROM SRI LANKA.

(January '01)

Click here to return to Table of Contents.

1/7/2001

Happy New....oh, forget it.

So heyhowareya? Did you stay up late the other night? Watch the ball drop? Witness the dawn of a new Millennium (for real, this time)? Or did you keel over backwards from the boredom of it all by about 10:30 or so, as did this writer? Thought so.

I don't know about you, but I've always found New Year's to be the ultimate non-holiday. What's the big deal, right? Still, any excuse to make merry is as good as any other, I suppose. While revelers were painting Colombo red this last Sunday evening, I was holed up in the lean-to eating rice cakes and watching videos of Noam Chomsky. Periodically the doorbell would ring and I would be confronted by throngs of inebriated town-painters cajoling me to join them in their unsteady march to the next gin mill. No sooner would I wave one group off than another would take its place on my makeshift cinderblock stoop, noisemakers a-hooting. So despite my best efforts at resistance, my New Year's looked a bit like this (see photo).

My fellow Big Green co-conspirators take a somewhat less jaundiced view of the start of another year. Each has his own way of marking the event. Where Matt is concerned, it usually has something to do with analyzing bird migration or some related festivity. This year, he dug up his pocket replica of Kepler's model of the solar system and tried -- once again -- to make it comport with the actual existing interrelationships between the various planets. (Now, this fucker knows how to have a good time!)

And what about John? Well, kiddies...this year, Johnny is planning to do an album with Ricky MARTIN!!! Ooops, sorry -- for a moment I thought I was writing for Teen Beat. (I blame narcotics.) Actually, John spent the New Year's holiday like he usually does -- building a soapstone miniature of the 1939 New York World's Fair Village. By miniature, I mean 3/4 scale, so it's still pretty big. John had to get a building permit from the city again this year, as well as a special waiver from the greater Colombo Chamber of Commerce. Then, of course, there were the usual objections from the Sri Lankan air force, which tends to regard the Trylon tower as a menace to navigation, even though it's not quite as tall as the original. I don't know -- I think John did a pretty good job on the fountains and the Perisphere this year, but his statue of George Washington needs a little detail work. What do you think?

While Matt tinkered with Kepler's folly and John fashioned tiny lightbulbs out of paraffin, I took an hour's furlough from my Chomsky tapes to bang out a couple of tunes on the old Steinway. I've often described Big Green's composition method to readers of this column, so I won't bore you now with a rehash. Suffice to say that, once a song has been assembled from the usual random elements, it needs to be properly harmonized. It's a painstaking process that involves minutes -- sometimes tens of minutes -- of backbreaking labor. Needless to say, I got exactly none of it done on New Year's Eve, thanks to my noisy neighbors, but I did manage to scratch some remnants of Christmas dinner off the keys without too much trouble. There's progress.

Disco Inferno. "History repeats itself." That's what President Lincoln said on Star Trek after wrestling with Genghis Khan. And it turns out he was right. Sort of. Just as Lincoln's televised battle with Genghis was a bizarro re-enactment of some episode in his life (which he does not specify), Selection 2000 has become a bizarro repeat of 1988. Eight years of a conservative president comes to an end. Guy named George Bush takes his place. Recession rumors abound. So much for similarities.

Now that we've gotten past all that messy electoral stuff (you know, uncounted ballots, people of color being barred from voting, Supreme Court picking the president, etc.), we're ready to party it down with the rich and famous. Dubya appears ready for inauguration day -- if any of you saw his rather lengthy 3 minute press conference following his meeting with high-tech corporate execs (such as fellow Texan Michael Dell and others), he seems pretty well loaded for bear. The way he dances around in front of those reporters, you can tell he's ready to burn that D.C. Disco Inferno right to the ground.

Of course, now that we belong to the new administration (pending Senate confirmation, of course), you'll be hearing about the President Select's activities from inside the White House. Talk about access! Hey -- why not join us? Just send your resume to Mrs. Justice Thomas at the Heritage Foundation, and we'll see what we can do.

Got to pick out my wardrobe for the 20th. Keep in touch.

luv you,

Click here to return to Table of Contents.

1/14/2001

Well...we're still here. Amazing.

Our new year has begun with more of a whimper than a bang, as the saying goes. Things are a little quiet here at the Big Green family compound (lean-to). John's 3/4-scale soapstone miniature of the 1939 New York World's Fair has been packaged up and shipped off to our giant friends on Betelgeuse -- it should be good for a laugh, anyway, as well as a shower or two.

A little late with the gifting, you say? Well, it happens that on Betelgeuse they celebrate Orthodox Christmas, which was just about a week ago. And soapstone replicas of 20th century earthbound cultural events are all the rage on the big red star this year. (In fact, if this fad continues, John may just whittle up a little Expo '67 for them next year. We'll see.)

As engrossing as our life in Sri Lanka can be, our attention has been drawn elsewhere of late, as unsettling news filters in from the Upstate New York communities we once called home. We've previously made mention of the various economic and political travails our old neighbors have had to endure over the past few years (see "Notes" for April '99). But little did we expect the little city of Rome to become the Prussia of Central New York.

No, really. Last week, the Mayor of Rome (Mayor McGriff-o) instituted a "media policy" regulating the already state-regulated ability of his administration officials to discuss city government matters with the press. He was mostly concerned about the details of his impending State of the City address, which he ceremoniously delivered in aisle 15 of the Ace Hardware store on Black River Boulevard (just to the left of the toilet seats). And having read the address, I can see why. Among his proposals are:

an "anti-loitering" statute
a law "to remove highly intoxicated individuals from the streets before they can harass or harm our citizens"
a law against "unwanted gatherings in public places"
more cops

This from the man who brought you Woodstock '99, which was, essentially, everything McGriff now wants to outlaw, rolled up into one big sweaty ball. Hey...controlled media...no public gatherings....more police. What's next? (Lookout, Camden!)

Why do we care? Well, we used to play in Rome from time to time. My dad was from Rome originally. My cat is from Rome. All roads lead to Rome, as we all know. I've got plenty of souvenirs from my days as a cut-rate piano teacher in and around Rome, including the contents of my lunch box from about 1994, which I had freeze-dried and mounted inside an attractive display case, now adorning the mantle in our great room. Hey -- so I'm sentimental...so what about it? You think I should have just thrown it away? You think I'm totally without feeling?

The Book of Bob. Okay, so there's this rich guy named George Dubya, see? And he gets selected President of the You-nited States, okay? And he's, well, kinda primitive, from a long line of primitive men who've been Presidents, Senator, Congressmen, etc., and chosen by the most reactionary cave men in the Universe. So, who do you think he's going to appoint as Attorney General....Mahatma Gandhi?

I can't help but think Dubya's pick of John Ashcroft is mostly a consolation prize to a Republican who lost one of those pesky elections wherein the popular vote counts for something. The fact that he's a fanatical conservative who opposes a woman's right to an abortion under any circumstances (rape, incest, life in danger, divine intervention, etc.) and who (like Dubya) gave a gleeful speech at Bob Jones (not his real name) University only sweetens the deal. It should come as no surprise that Dubya, Cheney, and company should select as chief law enforcement officer someone who declares that we as a nation "have no king but Jesus." When the faithful march out to the voting booth, they expect a little something in return, as temporal as such rewards may seem.

Of course, that doesn't mean we should all just sit on our hands. See you at the inauguration. With bells on.

luv u,

Click here to return to Table of Contents.

1/21/2001

Good morning, world...

Still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Kind of a long night last night, shuttling between Presidential balls (one from Wyoming, one from Texas, I hear). As some of you may recall from previous columns, the members of Big Green have been chosen by our new "P"-resident to comprise his Select Commission on Extraterrestrial Phenomena -- affectionately known as the "X-Commission". The nomination amounted to an automatic invitation to the various inaugural balls, as far as we were concerned. Our tickets must have gotten lost in the mail, however, so we had to worm our way in with the help of our co-X-Commissioner sFshzenKlyrn, who is himself a genuine extraterrestrial phenomenon.

Thanks to the amazing powers vested in sFshzenKlyrn by virtue of his birth on the planet Zenon, he was able to slip us through the gatekeepers at five of the balls using "trans-dimensional displacement" -- a technique roughly akin to cellular osmosis, only much, much sillier. Using this method, our Zenite friend can pass through a semi-permeable membrane (i.e. the entrance to Union Station in Washington) from an area containing a high concentration of sFshzenKlyrn (i.e. where he's standing) to one containing a low concentration of sFshzenKlyrn (i.e. where he wants to go). Once there, he raids the refrigerator. Then the Maitre d'hotel, upon seeing his bizarre alien visage, lets out a bloodcurdling scream (i.e. "aaiiieeeeeeeeee!").

sFshzenKlyrn can be a big help when it comes to getting in and out of tight spots. He also provides us with an ad-hoc competitive advantage over other "Alternative" rock groups. Most bands are four or five white guys with bad hair. But Big Green is totally different -- we're three white guys with bad hair, occasionally joined by a strange gaseous creature from beyond the limits of the solar system. The fact is, I'm convinced that sFshzenKlyrn is the main reason behind our nomination to Dubya's X-Commission. His presence makes the Bush cabinet look much more diverse, for one thing. And he and Dubya were partying buddies during our recent interplanetary tour. (It helps to know someone.)

I suppose if we had thought to use sFshzenKlyrn on 2000 Years To Christmas we might have gotten more attention for the album. As it is, the reviews haven't been bad. The current issue of Tim Hinely's Dagger (#27) said we do "some really nice upbeat pop" and that most of 2KY2C is "decent to really good," his personal favorite being the "galloping" Holiday. Of course, he also said we "occasionally dip into cheese territory," which can be a problem since my serum cholesterol tends to run a little high. But hey...it could be worse. Remember -- we are one or two white guys short of an Alternative band.

In-ugh!-uration. Now that I am an official nominee of the current "P"-resident, I am officially sanctioned to say that yesterday "was a day of awe for our entire nation" and "one I found deeply moving on a personal level as an American." Departing from the script for a moment, I'd like to add that it was a real hoot being photographed with Dubya in front of the Capital -- a sure sign that we are going to be key figures in his new administration. I can hardly wait to get started!

Watching the Gorebot sitting there across the aisle from Dubya, I became possessed by a strange notion. I imagined Gore transformed into a true populist -- say, the anti-matter Gore -- someone who actually would fight for working people, the environment, and a humane world, and against unbridled corporate power. A radical candidate at the head of a bona-fide movement for social change. Such a person would not sit quietly in the company of thieves after having won the popular vote by over 500,000 ballots. That anti-matter Gore would be out in the streets with the puppet people, marching against an election decided by judicial fiat, as well as a host of other injustices. He would let the fuckers put him in jail and continue his protests there. His campaign would never end, so long as profits are placed above people.

Of course, the real Gore is a member of the club, and gorges himself at the same catered table as his grisly "opponents," while the hungry and the disenfranchised look on. It's a bit like that scene at the close of Orwell's Animal Farm -- the one commonly left out of popular dramatizations -- wherein Napoleon (the socialist) dines with the farmer (the capitalist) and the other animals, shut outside, cannot tell one from the other.

Behold the power of cheese. See you next week.

luv u,

Click here to return to Table of Contents.

1/28/2001

Aloha,

The snow has begun, once again, to drift softly earthward as the sun rises on yet another day in paradise. And as the morning rituals begin on Day 8 of our tenure as members of Dubya's Select Commission on Extra-Terrestrial Phenomena, I'm pleased to report that we have already made remarkable progress on our vital public mission even at this early stage of the administration. In fact, all of us here in Big Green-land are overjoyed at the quality of work we're doing.

What have we accomplished...exactly? Well....for one thing, John quickly managed to get us out of our 3-room suite at the Executive Office Building after the door somehow mysteriously locked behind us during our inspection tour. (John's good at that sort of thing, you know.) I'll tell you -- spending those three days locked in that empty office suite provided an excellent opportunity to develop a plausible theory about how such an incident could occur. It was certainly no coincidence, I can tell you. There are malign forces at work in the universe. But it will take more than a locked door to keep this Commission bottled up and out of the way.

As near as we can tell, this "prank" appears to be the work of an elite squad of operatives from the "planet" Pluto -- which, of course, was recently demoted by the Museum of Natural History to the status of "king-size snowball." This interplanetary terrorist organization -- known as the "Tombeaunistas" -- seeks to disrupt the work of the X-Commission as a means of exacting revenge on Earth Science for having humiliated Pluto in front of the other planets.

One can hardly blame them for feeling shut out from what is considered the "elite club" of planets. But science is science, and those of you who feel inclined towards sympathy with the "Tombeaunista" cause should take a look at the facts. As you can see by this chart, Pluto is composed mostly of ice, with a solid rock core; it also deviates significantly from Earth's orbital plane. That places it in the same category as our Moon, the asteroid Ceres, and Defense Secretary-Designate Donald Rumsfeld. Also, the fact that it takes a full thirty years for news to make the journey from Earth to Pluto supports Pluto's designation as a distinctly "Rumsfeldian" deep-space object. (News of the ABM Treaty has only just arrived there; many deluded Plutonians are even now buying scalped tickets for George Harrison's Concert for Bangladesh). Small wonder they feel humiliated. But that's no excuse for terrorism!

Paranoia, you say? We think not. For one thing, when we were finally freed from our EOB suite, we discovered that a number of other office doors had locked in the same mysterious way! Even more ominously, someone had stolen the "w" key from every single computer in the complex! These are not random acts of vandalism. This is solid evidence of a seething, multi-legged conspiracy that reaches insidiously into every corner of our government and, yea, our society, as well. I have consulted with my fellow X-Commissioners and we have collectively resolved to submit a request to OMB for an additional $1.7 billion over the next four years to expand our mission. It's just a small down payment on...hey! Who put that photo there?! You see what I mean? They'll stop at nothing!!!

(*Pant*) Whew! That should do for now. More on the conspiracy -- and the significance of the "w" -- next week.

Weak One. Cast your minds back, now....back....way back.....weeks and weeks ago....a great "healer" is selected...er...elected President. He's going to reach out to members of both parties. He's going to heal the divisions caused by the Florida putsch and the systematic disenfranchisement of many thousands of minority and poor voters nationwide (nothing new, incidentally). He's going to reach out and touch someone....

Fast forward to week #1 of the Bush Putsch-ocracy. First working day, Dubya cuts funding to organizations that provide abortion counseling and services worldwide. Second day, Bush announces US intention to move American Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem (helpful). Third (or fourth) day, Bush says he'll relax air pollution regulations in California...shall I go on?

Of course, every move is justified by Dubya (or his handlers) as the fulfillment of a campaign promise, with the ultimate aim of bringing us all back to the paradise of 1952, when every family was headed by Jim and Margaret Anderson and every darky knew his/her place. But how to shore up the Commander-in-Thief's credibility while he drags us back to the future? What Dubya really needs now is Howdy-Doody-like sun rays behind his head when he makes his first televised address to the nation. I think he's got Chuck Heston working on that one for him. Hey -- with Cheney as his Buffalo Bob, how can he lose?

Parting Note: Best to all those in India recovering from that appalling quake. We encourage everyone who is able to support relief efforts now underway. Take care.

luv,

Click here to return to Table of Contents.